To be absolutely clear, a hardworking gentleman understands the meaning and value of his tireless labor. And to be absolutely sure, the reality of fatherhood only heightens said understanding. Trust, this gentleman maintains a deep, fundamental comprehension of provision and the significance of being a contributor. And so, when seasons of life are absent peace or joy – perhaps both; it is not uncommon for him to lean heavily into his work; a passionate attempt to seek refuge and fulfillment by claiming, reasserting his own value to himself. Work is transformed into an instrument that exerts authority over one’s mental and emotional well-being.
It is a blunt tool utilized to manage anxiety, stress, insecurity, and pain. He accepts the incredible burden of arduous work to unburden himself of heavier burdens – both emotional and mental. However, whatever accomplishments that are attained, the satisfaction is never truly satisfying. Frantic attempts for relief only lead deeper into work. The wise gentleman must conclude that work does not inherently grant him value. Rather, it is he that affords value to his work, to his friends, to his family, and to himself. So, if no one tells you today (and demonstrate through their actions); I am here to convey on behalf of countless gentlemen such as yourself; you are recognized, appreciated, respected, and loved.
As a gentleman of a certain age, I have discovered that my scent palate has slowly evolved to reflect more mature sensibilities. And those mature sensibilities dictate a measured, easy-going approach to living life. Now, life is undoubtedly, sometimes exceedingly complicated. Therefore, when the inevitable intrusion of stress introduces itself into my everyday affairs, I employ grounding techniques that bring me back to center. Grounding is a coping strategy utilized to calm one’s mental health and well-being when under duress.
Grounding refocuses and reconnects you to the present moment; its purpose is to reduce anxiety, fear, stress, and feelings of being overwhelmed. I ground myself by dutifully engaging my senses: touch, sight, hearing, taste, and for the purposes of this post, smell. I wholly enjoy the aromatic nuances of a great-smelling cologne. When perfectly executed, its notes carry me to a safe, soothing space within my mind. I smell great, I feel great. Today, I wanted to talk about one of my favorites – By the Fireplace.
Maison Margiela Replica-By the Fireplace is a 2015 release created by perfumer Marie Salamagne. The Replica line is a collection of fragrances designed to replicate intimate memories from specific moments, places, and feelings from a person’s life. The Replica line offers an array of fragrances that range from strolls on the beach to vibing in a jazz club to relaxing by a toasty fireplace.
Curiously marketed as a unisex scent, I would humbly disagree with that assessment regarding By the Fireplace. Definitely true to its moniker, the surprisingly realistic aroma of charred wood is both strong and masculine. The warm, sweetly smoky fragrance offers an elegant interpretation of a rustic vibe, evoking the cozy vibe of cuddling by a crackling fireplace. Yes, this is cuddle-buddy approved. It’s warm, deep, and slightly sweet.
Top notes: pink pepper essence, orange flower absolute, and clove oil. Middle notes: chestnut accord, guaiac wood oil, and cade oil. Base notes: vanilla accord, cashmeran, and Peru balsam.
Did You Know? Studies show that vanilla has been associated with to elevating a person’s mood, relaxation, and reducing negative emotions.
With this easily distinctive cologne, a gentleman can safely apply 3-4 sprays without tripping a nearby smoke detector. A gentleman should get a solid 6-7 hours of performance, and perhaps even longer, depending on individual body chemistry. It projects reasonably well, but it won’t choke out an entire room of people.
However, I would not consider this smoldering scent appropriate for the office, as the smoky notes of chestnuts and guaiac wood may not be pleasing to everyone. Surely, a considerate gentleman is mindful of other people’s sensibilities. Warning: The delicate line between smelling like a cozy, warm fire and a burning inferno can be turned on its head by over-spraying. To be sure, this fragrance is meant to be enjoyed within close quarters of that special someone. It’s intimate. It’s cozy. It’s inviting.
By the Fireplace is formulated for the slightly weathered, sophisticated gentleman who is self-assured and unapologetic in his masculinity. It is a casual fragrance best suited for evening wear. When I think of this cologne, my mind envisions silk/cashmere sweaters coupled with soft cotton trousers and slick loafers.
By the Fireplace is a cologne built for cooler temperatures, preferably fall and winter, but during this sneaky season of “false spring”, surprise drops in temperature could provide a prime opportunity for wearing. However, as soon as those temperatures hit 70 and higher, By the Fireplace can quickly become a little cloying to the nose.
Maison Margiela Replica-By the Fireplace retails for $170.00 3.4 oz. and $89.00 1.05 oz. By the Fireplace is available at Maison Margiela, Macy’s, Sephora, and other fine men’s department stores. If a gentleman is savvy enough to stay informed regarding sales, FragranceNet.com may also be a viable option to procure this scent at a steep discount.
To be fully invested in his mental health and well-being, a gentleman must realize that he must unabashedly advocate for himself. He must be unapologetic. Regarding his wellness, his advocacy demands an unashamed, firm defense that does not waver in the face of criticism, societal pressure, or social stigmas. Prioritizing oneself does not require an explanation, guilt, or regret. However, it does demand respect. It is not a respect dependent on the whims of others; rather, a gentleman must demand respect of himself. It is pertinent that a gentleman recognizes the importance of his time and availability. He must not allow the wickedness of the world to foster unfamiliar dissonance within his mind, body, and spirit. Being mindful of not overextending himself, a gentleman protects internal resources from the threat of compromise and depletion.
Are you feeling exceedingly overwhelmed, hopelessly exhausted, disappointingly defeated, and frighteningly irritable? Perhaps it is time to step back from the deafening noise of life and prioritize your well-being. It is time for a much-needed reset. It is time for a well-deserved refresh. It is time to replenish the cup that you so readily pour into others. What that looks like depends on the individual. Personally, that may involve a quiet walk alone throughout the neighborhood. It may involve stepping back from projects that are more burdensome than supporting professional and personal growth. It could be taking earned paid time off just to actually sleep, catch up on a favorite show in peace, and complete some personal tasks that actually bring personal joy & fulfillment. And it could just be saying no. No, because today, I choose myself. You owe yourself. Choose yourself today.
I cannot overstate the following sentiment enough: The Internet is currently inundated with self-proclaimed lifestyle and relationship consultants dispensing brutally terrible advice to individuals that are obviously seeking to address some void in their lives. Generally, I don’t consciously wade into muddy social media waters, but some of the guidance that these men have offered is pure, unadulterated foolishness. Now, before I address the main issue of my unsolicited tirade, I have to place some due respect on the game. The recipe: Conflate some minor truth with your own prejudiced agenda, deliver inflammatory content in a controversial manner targeted at a specific demographic, and articulate your points so convincingly that you are perceived as a credible source. If the objective is to stimulate increased viewership, it is an extremely effective tactic, especially when combined with classic gaslighting.
So, what is it that has me slightly agitated at the moment? Well, I decided to view this one particular self-appointed expert regarding the definition of a high value man. After seeing all the buzz on social media, I wanted to see what had everyone talking. To be perfectly clear, the term high value man is extremely subjective. Nevertheless, the term was intriguing and I was curious regarding the involved prerequisites that had women clamoring for the opportunity to secure one. Viewing a few videos, it appeared the term revolved exclusively around elevated social status and wealth. Upon listening to one particular broadcast, I quickly realized the litany of responsibilities heaped upon women were tired misogynistic tropes that reminded me of a Mad Men era that became extinct long ago. I won’t explore a point by point analysis, but one proclamation that stood out was terribly problematic for me. Allow me to set the scene; a young woman calls into broadcast inquiring about the attainment of a high quality man. What followed was a bewildering, painful listen that left me wondering how people took this man seriously.
The speaker addresses the hard work required by a wife to keep said high value man. This assertion especially caught my attention: You’re (the wife) up at 5 o’clock in the morning, going to the gym, working out, making sure that by the time you get back, the kids are up. You have the kids breakfast ready, the kids are out the door. Make sure the kids get back home, the homework gets done, the kids are ready to go. I ain’t doing nothing for the kids. You have to get the kids ready to go…parent teacher conferences, homework, and everything else. I just look over it from an executive position and say great. Then you get the kids ready to go on and so forth. and then you serve your husband.
Now, if that looks like a tough read, it sounded much worse on video. And I even omitted some parts that further highlighted the servile role of the wife in the marriage. To be sure, this guidance from a “professional” is garbage. Now, full disclosure, I am not licensed in the field of psychology or social behavior, but anyone with a grain of commonsense can recognize bad advice when it is so nakedly blatant. Allow me to be perfectly clear, regardless of economic status, a man never abdicates his responsibilities as a father. There is more to providing for one’s family beyond providing for one’s family. In the context above, the husband (a 6 figure earner) has been reduced to the role of an automated workhorse whose sole purpose is to provide financial stability to his kid(s) and indentured servant. Apologies, I meant to type wife there.
Now, be sure to recognize this: An absentee father does not necessarily correlate to a man that does not reside with his children. An absentee father can indeed live under the same roof. If he is not fully present mentally, emotionally, or spiritually for his kids – then that man is indeed absent. A man simply cannot be disengaged from his children. A man should not be so absorbed in his professional life to the detriment of his relationship with his children, or his wife for that matter. You will work yourself to death and your job will be posted before your obituary, while your children won’t even know the man being eulogized. Fathers need to be fathers. That is why the advice and viewpoint above is so wantonly reckless. It is imperative that men are totally engaged in their children’s lives, whether in or out of the house. I understand that an individual has a right to their opinion. And the Internet is wide open for anyone to espouse an ideology on any platform. So, it is my duty to encourage, educate, and empower you with some facts courtesy of fatherhood.org.
Involved fathers improve their children’s overall emotional and social well-being.
Involved fathers reduce moms’ parenting stress.
Children with absent fathers are more likely to become absent fathers themselves.
Boys have fewer behavior problems and girls have fewer psychological problems when they have involved fathers.
Father involvement in schools is associated with higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A’s.
A father’s involvement during pregnancy positively influences health outcomes for mom, dad, and baby.
Daughters are less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior when they have consistent contact, and a sense of closeness with their dads.
Involved fathers lead to less distress in toddlers.
Children with involved dads are less likely to be mistreated.
One in four children live in a home without a dad.
Social media has elevated superficiality to such dizzying heights, the obvious deprivation of oxygen has impaired rational, logical thought in some individuals. If you are an adult and still utilize fabricated grade school metrics to assess beauty; perhaps you should reevaluate your current state of maturity. Now, I am not here to call anyone out for clout or stimulate website views – I run a small operation here. Nevertheless, small platform or not, moral courage is what compels my voice address disinformation and otherwise bad counsel. This is not rocket science. I wholly understand that the term “high value man” is a hot Internet catchphrase right now. However, the definition of value in this regard has been perverted to massage male fragility and insecurity while masquerading as a self-professed alpha male. Engaged fathers matter. Fully present fathers matter. Attentive fathers matter. I won’t get into deep dive regarding what determines a high value man. I’ve been chronicling specific standards that I believe a man should uphold on this site since 2008 – far before high value man became a buzzword. My thoughts generally focus on principled core values and ethical fundamentals. Many facets of a gentleman’s life (professional, family, community, talent/skill, personality) should account for what determines value. Bottom-line, again, fathers need to be fathers.
Today, without provocation, my daughter blurted out the definition of opaque. Approximately one week ago, she was discussing the concept of transparency (she had learned it in school), so I asked her if she knew the definition of opaque. She did not, and so I explained. Today, without provocation, she decided to reiterate that knowledge. She was so proud. And where did our initial conversation occur? It occurred during school pick-up. Me picking up the kids from school – fancy that. Miles knows how to pick fresh parsley, sauté vegetables, and grate various foods. How? Well, that is accomplished by inviting my son into the kitchen to prepare dinner for the family. Wait – I’m not supposed to be cooking, or shopping, or cleaning am I? Shame on me for engaged in matters of my home beyond paying a bill.
Trust, there is a tremendous benefit to being able to financially support or contribute to one’s family. Nevertheless, it would be woefully ignorant to underestimate the sense of fulfillment when you practice selflessness and serve your family. In addition to his family, a man will be performing a disservice to himself by depriving his life of those intimate, meaningful connections that can only be achieved through significant interaction. That value is incalculable. The pride that wells inside your chest as you watch your daughter recite the church poem you practiced with her days before. The gratitude you feel when your son grabs his stool to reach the counter because he never turns down an opportunity to cook with his father. The excitement you feel Christmas morning as you see the elation in their eyes as they tear through gifts. The feeling of devotion you feel when you set the alarm on your phone to wake up in timed intervals to deliver breathing treatments to your infant daughter through her crib bars. The trust you feel when you’re called to remove a splinter from a hand or foot. Amusement. Joy. Affection. In matters of your mental and emotional well-being, you cannot place a price tag on that. There are days when a memory or picture of my children is required to get me through the day. I need them as much as they need me some days.
Look, I’m not extraordinary special. I just understand the importance of engaged fatherhood. So, salute to Iman B. for exposing his son to woodworking during those special home projects. Salute to Adrian S. for his involvement in his son’s athletics and traveling out of state to attend championship tournaments. Salute to Milon B. for being involved with both his son and daughter during STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) activities. These are gentlemen within my peer group. And to any gentleman out there in the real world handling their business as nurturers and providers – salute to you too.
Forgiveness is not necessarily intended for the individual that inflicted pain upon you. Rather, forgiveness is freeing oneself from the bondage of grief, hate, and vengeance. Forgiveness is an arduous exercise of affording deserved peace and order to one’s spirit. Forgiveness is moving forward untethered to suffering and pain.
To be absolutely certain, with the steady passage of time, a gentleman will experience quiet periods of emotional and mental fatigue. His spirit will be disquieted. His mood will be wrought with irregular swings of melancholy and anxiety. Desperately he attempts to summon the requisite energy necessary for addressing the everyday grind of life. And to be sure, without a doubt, life will present an array of adversity that will whittle away your spirit – if allowed. Please understand, you do not exist on an island despite your current circumstances appearing that way. Trust and believe, your current tribulations are another individual’s testimony. You will make it through your time of distress. Because, despite what feels insurmountable, you possess the resolute will and strength to prevail.
Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him; who have been called according to his purpose.” All things – even the most painful ones. And so, faith must dictate that even the most distressing circumstances must be molded to achieve a greater good aligned with His word. I won’t lie to you; it is challenging and I struggle daily. Nevertheless, today, I encourage and challenge you to seek assistance from professionals that are trained to address mental wellness. If you are reading this and you feel trapped in an uncomfortable mental, emotional space; I am with you. If you notice, I have not posted material here since November 2020. We all find ourselves in a rut. I am not immune. However, every earnest attempt must be made to escape the seemingly perpetual prison of pain that binds us. And escape we will – together.
The Gentlemen's Standard 