I cannot overstate the following sentiment enough: The Internet is currently inundated with self-proclaimed lifestyle and relationship consultants dispensing brutally terrible advice to individuals that are obviously seeking to address some void in their lives. Generally, I don’t consciously wade into muddy social media waters, but some of the guidance that these men have offered is pure, unadulterated foolishness. Now, before I address the main issue of my unsolicited tirade, I have to place some due respect on the game. The recipe: Conflate some minor truth with your own prejudiced agenda, deliver inflammatory content in a controversial manner targeted at a specific demographic, and articulate your points so convincingly that you are perceived as a credible source. If the objective is to stimulate increased viewership, it is an extremely effective tactic, especially when combined with classic gaslighting.
So, what is it that has me slightly agitated at the moment? Well, I decided to view this one particular self-appointed expert regarding the definition of a high value man. After seeing all the buzz on social media, I wanted to see what had everyone talking. To be perfectly clear, the term high value man is extremely subjective. Nevertheless, the term was intriguing and I was curious regarding the involved prerequisites that had women clamoring for the opportunity to secure one. Viewing a few videos, it appeared the term revolved exclusively around elevated social status and wealth. Upon listening to one particular broadcast, I quickly realized the litany of responsibilities heaped upon women were tired misogynistic tropes that reminded me of a Mad Men era that became extinct long ago. I won’t explore a point by point analysis, but one proclamation that stood out was terribly problematic for me. Allow me to set the scene; a young woman calls into broadcast inquiring about the attainment of a high quality man. What followed was a bewildering, painful listen that left me wondering how people took this man seriously.
The speaker addresses the hard work required by a wife to keep said high value man. This assertion especially caught my attention: You’re (the wife) up at 5 o’clock in the morning, going to the gym, working out, making sure that by the time you get back, the kids are up. You have the kids breakfast ready, the kids are out the door. Make sure the kids get back home, the homework gets done, the kids are ready to go. I ain’t doing nothing for the kids. You have to get the kids ready to go…parent teacher conferences, homework, and everything else. I just look over it from an executive position and say great. Then you get the kids ready to go on and so forth. and then you serve your husband.
Now, if that looks like a tough read, it sounded much worse on video. And I even omitted some parts that further highlighted the servile role of the wife in the marriage. To be sure, this guidance from a “professional” is garbage. Now, full disclosure, I am not licensed in the field of psychology or social behavior, but anyone with a grain of commonsense can recognize bad advice when it is so nakedly blatant. Allow me to be perfectly clear, regardless of economic status, a man never abdicates his responsibilities as a father. There is more to providing for one’s family beyond providing for one’s family. In the context above, the husband (a 6 figure earner) has been reduced to the role of an automated workhorse whose sole purpose is to provide financial stability to his kid(s) and indentured servant. Apologies, I meant to type wife there.
Now, be sure to recognize this: An absentee father does not necessarily correlate to a man that does not reside with his children. An absentee father can indeed live under the same roof. If he is not fully present mentally, emotionally, or spiritually for his kids – then that man is indeed absent. A man simply cannot be disengaged from his children. A man should not be so absorbed in his professional life to the detriment of his relationship with his children, or his wife for that matter. You will work yourself to death and your job will be posted before your obituary, while your children won’t even know the man being eulogized. Fathers need to be fathers. That is why the advice and viewpoint above is so wantonly reckless. It is imperative that men are totally engaged in their children’s lives, whether in or out of the house. I understand that an individual has a right to their opinion. And the Internet is wide open for anyone to espouse an ideology on any platform. So, it is my duty to encourage, educate, and empower you with some facts courtesy of fatherhood.org.
- Involved fathers improve their children’s overall emotional and social well-being.
- Involved fathers reduce moms’ parenting stress.
- Children with absent fathers are more likely to become absent fathers themselves.
- Boys have fewer behavior problems and girls have fewer psychological problems when they have involved fathers.
- Father involvement in schools is associated with higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A’s.
- A father’s involvement during pregnancy positively influences health outcomes for mom, dad, and baby.
- Daughters are less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior when they have consistent contact, and a sense of closeness with their dads.
- Involved fathers lead to less distress in toddlers.
- Children with involved dads are less likely to be mistreated.
- One in four children live in a home without a dad.
Social media has elevated superficiality to such dizzying heights, the obvious deprivation of oxygen has impaired rational, logical thought in some individuals. If you are an adult and still utilize fabricated grade school metrics to assess beauty; perhaps you should reevaluate your current state of maturity. Now, I am not here to call anyone out for clout or stimulate website views – I run a small operation here. Nevertheless, small platform or not, moral courage is what compels my voice address disinformation and otherwise bad counsel. This is not rocket science. I wholly understand that the term “high value man” is a hot Internet catchphrase right now. However, the definition of value in this regard has been perverted to massage male fragility and insecurity while masquerading as a self-professed alpha male. Engaged fathers matter. Fully present fathers matter. Attentive fathers matter. I won’t get into deep dive regarding what determines a high value man. I’ve been chronicling specific standards that I believe a man should uphold on this site since 2008 – far before high value man became a buzzword. My thoughts generally focus on principled core values and ethical fundamentals. Many facets of a gentleman’s life (professional, family, community, talent/skill, personality) should account for what determines value. Bottom-line, again, fathers need to be fathers.
Today, without provocation, my daughter blurted out the definition of opaque. Approximately one week ago, she was discussing the concept of transparency (she had learned it in school), so I asked her if she knew the definition of opaque. She did not, and so I explained. Today, without provocation, she decided to reiterate that knowledge. She was so proud. And where did our initial conversation occur? It occurred during school pick-up. Me picking up the kids from school – fancy that. Miles knows how to pick fresh parsley, sauté vegetables, and grate various foods. How? Well, that is accomplished by inviting my son into the kitchen to prepare dinner for the family. Wait – I’m not supposed to be cooking, or shopping, or cleaning am I? Shame on me for engaged in matters of my home beyond paying a bill.
Trust, there is a tremendous benefit to being able to financially support or contribute to one’s family. Nevertheless, it would be woefully ignorant to underestimate the sense of fulfillment when you practice selflessness and serve your family. In addition to his family, a man will be performing a disservice to himself by depriving his life of those intimate, meaningful connections that can only be achieved through significant interaction. That value is incalculable. The pride that wells inside your chest as you watch your daughter recite the church poem you practiced with her days before. The gratitude you feel when your son grabs his stool to reach the counter because he never turns down an opportunity to cook with his father. The excitement you feel Christmas morning as you see the elation in their eyes as they tear through gifts. The feeling of devotion you feel when you set the alarm on your phone to wake up in timed intervals to deliver breathing treatments to your infant daughter through her crib bars. The trust you feel when you’re called to remove a splinter from a hand or foot. Amusement. Joy. Affection. In matters of your mental and emotional well-being, you cannot place a price tag on that. There are days when a memory or picture of my children is required to get me through the day. I need them as much as they need me some days.
Look, I’m not extraordinary special. I just understand the importance of engaged fatherhood. So, salute to Iman B. for exposing his son to woodworking during those special home projects. Salute to Adrian S. for his involvement in his son’s athletics and traveling out of state to attend championship tournaments. Salute to Milon B. for being involved with both his son and daughter during STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) activities. These are gentlemen within my peer group. And to any gentleman out there in the real world handling their business as nurturers and providers – salute to you too.
A lovely post!
Thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to read it!
As soon as I read ‘high value man’, I knew who you were talking about. I think the final straw for me was when I read a title ‘Being a high value man allows you to cheat’, or something to that effect and I knew he can’t be taken seriously. For me there’s always one test, a sure fire way to test the veracity of whatever a person claims, and that is ‘have you tried it and has it worked in your life?’. I think we can both conclude that he doesn’t practice what he preaches and contradicts himself sometimes. His views also smack of contempt. One thing about these relationship gurus is that to them all relationships are the same and they have one panacea.
This also reminds me of the time, way back, when you wrote something about Mr ‘act like a lady, think like a man’.
The same women that won’t accept his silly notion about letting “high value men” cheat will readily accept and encourage evaluating black men by whether he earns six figures or not. That is also highly unreasonable and delusional. Yet each woman that calls into his silly show is looking for a millionaire to marry her. Its silly on both sides, not just on the side where something is required of women.
Wow, I didn’t view his take on high value men being allowed to cheat. In my opinion, he is not really offering concrete advice to improve the quality of life of some men. Now, some men may be driven by strictly business and status. However, there is more to life than that. I heard a quote recently, and I forget the where/who, but it’s something like: The Egyptians tried to take their riches into the afterlife with them, and all they got was robbed. You just have to try and enjoy life to the fullest. This back and forth war of the sexes is tired. And some of these folks are just too damn old for the nonsense.
He also reduces men to ATMs with legs by judging their “value” on their income. It takes much more to “earn six figures” than it does to get a $10 gym membership and go to the gym. Most people in general will never earn six figures consistently for five years. That’s both black and white men; both men and women. So I see him as being more biased against men than women in that regard.
Its easier to put on a bunch of makeup and cook dinner while maintaining a slim body than it is to earn almost a million dollars on a consistent basis. So his anti-male bias is also problematic.
The only part of the “high value man” narrative you even bothered to really critique is what it demands of women. How very gynocentric. You did not go in-depth on how claiming that a man needs to “earn six figures and be in a fraternity or else he is low value” is another way of devaluing the majority of black men. This is the most egregious offense behind the “high value man = rich man” narrative; it devalues more than 80% of so-called “black” men. I don’t disagree that it also devalues females but I’m tired of these one-sided critiques that don’t point out how reducing men to the size of their wallet is also “toxic.”
I don’t disagree that a high value man should not equate to a rich man. If you read other posts that I have written here, I place more emphasis on integrity, hard work, resilience, service to the community, etc. It is this post in particular that I chose to address what I wrote about due to something I saw on social media. Nothing more, nothing less.
Thank you for clarifying. And to reiterate I do not agree with his claiming men should be able to cheat on women; but people must also have empathy for the men he indirectly “devalues” by claiming they don’t measure up to some made up earning level.
Kevin Samuel’s “high value man” narrative also goes against what God says is valuable. In fact, this is what the bible says about “rich men.”
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. – Mark 10:25
This is not to demonize making money but just to point out that being rich is NOT “high value.”