Tag Archives: Fatherhood

The Standard #21

May 3, 2023 By in Standard Tags: , , Leave a comment

The Obamas

The gentleman should never underestimate the magnitude of a cheerful, happy disposition-especially when that attitude is displayed towards his children. Sure, discipline is a vital function required to raise children. However, the totality of child rearing must be equal parts discipline and equal parts love. He cannot levy seventy-five percent discipline and only twenty-five percent love. And that discipline cannot be driven by anger. That would be unwise. Listen, a gentleman cannot walk around with a scowl etched on a rigid face of granite all the time. Smile. Laugh. Sing. As a father, it is incumbent that he sets the appropriate tone and atmosphere for his household. Children need to witness him being more than that guy who trudges to and from work.

Tired. Irritable. Unhappy. Trust this: children are much more perceptive than you award credit, and they absorb the negatively charged climate that you have helped create. Stop. The time has arrived for you to glide through the door and welcome your family with a fresh, joyous attitude. They deserve it. You deserve it. Will it be like that every day? Probably not. Nevertheless, trust that your efforts will not give audience to blind eye. Your children will definitely notice, and they will love you even more. Doesn’t it feel fantastic?

Daddy Diary – It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday – My Little Girl Is Growing Up and I’m Hopelessly In My Feelings

October 29, 2022 By in Daddy Diary, Life Tags: , , , 2 Comments

I must humbly submit that I am fraught with trepidation writing this post. Unfortunately, I don’t write much nowadays because the daily grind of life has allowed time to escape more readily than I desire. However, events of the past few months have exposed me to a predictable inevitability; kindling deep reflection that I want dutifully documented. Therefore, if you would please, bear with me because I am perhaps rusty with this blogging thing. Allow me to proceed straight away to the point – my beautiful baby girl is blossoming into a little young lady. And through this maturation, I have been overwhelmed with varying emotions. Nostalgia, sadness, joy, and pride all spiral within me, lessening and magnifying in strength depending upon the day’s mood.

Admittedly, during those seemingly perpetual days of torturous sleep deprivation, as I clung desperately to any modicum of available sleep, a friend noted that I would one day miss those days. And defiantly, I stubbornly disagreed with the absurdity. Well, the time as begrudgingly arrived. Trust me, I certainly do not long for the days of erratic and scant sleep. Nevertheless, I do yearn for those early years when that intimate connection between father and daughter was being cultivated. Now, as she grows older and establishes more independence, her dependence on me is seemingly fading. Yes – I am being overly dramatic. At only 8 years of age, she is still greatly dependent on me for a host of things. And she will be for the foreseeable future. However, as a parent of a growing child, emotion and logic sometimes don’t cooperatively coincide. So, what has me thinking and caught up in my feelings nowadays? I felt compelled to connect again with my audience and share a few thoughts below.

  • Long gone are the days of putting my daughter to sleep with Kenny G softly playing in background. And gone are the days of making a small pallet on the floor next to her crib as I sleep trained and took her to potty at night. Those nights have been replaced with her escaping to our bed after a nightmare whilst elbowing and kicking me and my wife because she is a trained mixed martial arts sleeper.
  • Harry the Bunny. Shushybye Baby. The Dance Time Boys. Musti. This was the era of Baby First – an educational television channel geared towards the development of babies and toddlers. Disney Junior introduced Doc McStuffins, Octonauts, and Mickey’s Playhouse and PJ Masks. Now Bluey and Firebuds are in constant rotation. I swear I watched these programs more than I watched regular adult programming. Theme music danced in my head throughout my workday. It was a great escape from the tiring grind of adult life. Ava would cuddle underneath my arm and place her tiny hand on my forearm. As she has grown older, we don’t share those moments that often anymore. However, she surprised me the other day. She plopped down on the couch beside me and said, “Can I come chill with you dad?” Chill? She’s in elementary school now, so she is picking up new lingo. She snuggled up next to my shoulder. I smiled inside.
  • First, I would carry her into daycare. That soon progressed to me guiding her little staggering steps into school – sometimes still carrying her due to inclement weather conditions or simply trying to save time as I was pressed to get to work. Now, we are all the way to the point of her walking to the school bus stop. Initially, I walked her to the school bus stop, but I was hastily demoted in favor of her walking with her friends. As the weather has shifted to brisk mornings, she now prefers the warmth of my SUV until the bus arrives. Thankfully, the bus stop is literally one block over from our house. I guess I’ll wait until spring to get demoted again in favor of the girls next door.
  • And speaking of demotions, I fondly recall a teacher complimenting the preparation and content of Ava’s lunches. I took great pride making her lunch the night before school day. However, I was once again wantonly stripped of my responsibilities as I was now rudely replaced by elementary school…cafeteria food? I felt like Craig being fired on his day off. The absolute, unmitigated, audacious nerve of it all! What in the tater tot casserole and non-descript pizza on an aluminum baking sheet is going on here? Nevertheless, some of my services have been retained, as I have been commissioned to pack complementary snacks for the princess. Boy have I sunk low.
  • I have not even touched the topic of boys. Now, she has not openly admitted to an attraction to the opposite sex, but I was treated to an extended period of incessant chatter about her “best friend” – whom happened to be a boy – at school. Every. Single. Day. And the day he was a little mean to her – she was crushed. Teaching moment. In the distant future, I now understand I need to recruit a close confidant to have a conversation with any young men that may enter her life – we’re talking a Will Smith/Martin Lawrence Bad Boys’ style conversation. Just joking, just joking – no, not really.

Now, I completely understand all of this sounds over-the-top. However, whether I am summoning Small Potatoes (a cartoon short that used to air on Disney Junior) on my smart phone to distract and comfort her in the ER, pulling a splinter from a tiny foot, purchasing her favorite character’s Halloween costume, or cooking one of her favorite dinners (chicken& waffles); I care very deeply about being a fully present father. And dwelling within my scattered thoughts is the unreasonable fear that one day I will no longer be needed. I’m woefully obsolete. It is that intense tug-of-war between emotion and logic. Emotion dictates a converse relationship between a child growing older and my own parental worth. As her age increases, my worth and value decline. Logic then intervenes and affirms that as a parent, as a father; I will always have purpose and presence in my children’s lives. I need to cope and understand that change is indeed inevitable. Nonetheless, those changes don’t detract from my role and responsibility. I need to remind myself every now and again. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go fix my little girl some hot tea with lemon & honey to assuage a nagging cough.

Living Your Best Life – Unexpected Joy

March 19, 2022 By in Life Tags: , , , , 3 Comments

GiftsIt would be an immense understatement if I said last year was painfully challenging. Consumed with anxiety and stress; personal victories were attained by simply making it through a day with a shred of sanity intact. True to form, life is predictably unpredictable, and sometimes leaning heavily into faith is the only recourse – even when said faith is terribly shaken. Nevertheless, I am grateful for the quality of life that has been afforded to me through grace and mercy. I am exceedingly thankful that my family has been able to endure the pandemic absent severe sickness or death.

Now, it would be disingenuous to suggest that faith alone solved all my tribulations. And for all intents and purposes, I am a practical man that favors tangible and actionable solutions. Over the course of the year, I was able to find sanctuary within a myriad of activities that were enjoyable. And as the year winded down, the holiday season presented an unexpected opportunity for a constructive distraction to assuage the discomfort in my spirit and mind.

That distraction arrived in the form of wrapping Christmas gifts. Due to my slight habit of being obsessive compulsive, I discovered myself diving into YouTube tutorials featuring the art of gift wrapping. Instagram and Pinterest became familiar destinations to extract visual inspiration. Big box locations such as Michaels and Target stocked the necessary supplies to transform imagination into reality. If but for brief moments of solitude, I was able to glean a piece of happiness through the coordination of design, color, and material. It was especially satisfying to present a beautiful array of gifts under the tree to my children. One of the greatest joys of fatherhood is being able to provide happiness to your children. So, whenever or wherever you might discover some unexpected joy in life; ensure that you grant the requisite time to absorb and appreciate every second of it.

The Standard #58

August 24, 2021 By in Life, Standard Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Clouds

To be absolutely clear, a hardworking gentleman understands the meaning and value of his tireless labor. And to be absolutely sure, the reality of fatherhood only heightens said understanding. Trust, this gentleman maintains a deep, fundamental comprehension of provision and the significance of being a contributor. And so, when seasons of life are absent peace or joy – perhaps both; it is not uncommon for him to lean heavily into his work; a passionate attempt to seek refuge and fulfillment by claiming, reasserting his own value to himself. Work is transformed into an instrument that exerts authority over one’s mental and emotional well-being. It is a blunt tool utilized to manage anxiety, stress, insecurity, and pain. He accepts the incredible burden of arduous work to unburden himself of heavier burdens – both emotional and mental. However, whatever accomplishments that are attained, the satisfaction is never truly satisfying. Frantic attempts for relief only lead deeper into work. The wise gentleman must conclude that work does not inherently grant him value. Rather, it is he that affords value to his work, to his friends, to his family, and to himself. So, if no one tells you today (and demonstrate through their actions); I am here to convey on behalf of countless gentlemen such as yourself; you are recognized, appreciated, respected, and loved.

Living Your Best Life – Fulfillment

June 4, 2021 By in Life Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

As an engaged father, being an active participant in your child’s life is one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have as a parent. As you nurture their burgeoning self-esteem and champion varying accomplishments; their achievements will reinforce one of the most important components in a gentleman’s life – purpose. To be sure, acceptance of idle fatherhood is to deny one’s principal role as a father. Passionately embrace your purpose, and the joyful fulfillment you feel will further drive the best in you.

The Standard #51

May 13, 2021 By in Standard Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

To be sure, the thoughtful gentleman understands that every moment of significance carries meaning. Moments matter. This is especially true for the gentleman that has embarked upon the journey of fatherhood. Understandably, the journey is an arduous one, replete with important occasions that beg the focused attention and participation of a father. This is non-negotiable. Hopefully, this active role fosters an intimate relationship between father and child grounded in an appreciation and love exclusive to both involved parties. For example, approximately three years ago, my daughter was experiencing respiratory distress that prompted an expeditious visit to the emergency room. My wife needed to be home with our newborn son since, ironically, a hospital isn’t the best spot for a newborn outside of the initial birth. So I stayed with my daughter through a series of evaluations and treatments until she was discharged.

During the entirety of the event, I provided a calming and reassuring presence for her, as you can expect the circumstances would be quite frightening to a two-year-old. Now, some may think it odd, but I took pictures and videos during our stay in the hospital. I wanted to capture this moment in time; this moment that further strengthened our bond as father and daughter. To her, I was her protector – a source of depended comfort and safety. To me, she was my ward – simply my little baby girl. I had to be there for her. And every now and again – three years later – I still look at pictures and videos from those days we shared together. And upon viewing them, the emotions from that day come flooding back – in a positive way. Despite the circumstances, I cherish that time we shared together.

Now, I don’t assert that a father and child need to experience an extreme event to form a healthy, caring connection. However, I am asserting that a father should never shy away from moments with his kid(s), no matter how large or small. And he should embrace opportunity fully and make the most of it. Sure, a gentleman probably won’t engage in every waking event, but an honest effort is definitely demanded. There possibly can be a myriad of chances at a gentleman’s disposal: attending a recital, helping with homework, attending children’s school events, etc. Do not be mistaken, inaction is actually a conscious action. Gentlemen, as fathers, ensure the present-day with your kids isn’t a missed opportunity that becomes a distant past that you regret in the future. Make the most of your moments now!

Daddy Diary – The Mythology of the Self-Anointed High Value Man and the Essential Need For Highly Engaged Fathers

May 7, 2021 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , , , , , 10 Comments

I cannot overstate the following sentiment enough: The Internet is currently inundated with self-proclaimed lifestyle and relationship consultants dispensing brutally terrible advice to individuals that are obviously seeking to address some void in their lives. Generally, I don’t consciously wade into muddy social media waters, but some of the guidance that these men have offered is pure, unadulterated foolishness. Now, before I address the main issue of my unsolicited tirade, I have to place some due respect on the game. The recipe: Conflate some minor truth with your own prejudiced agenda, deliver inflammatory content in a controversial manner targeted at a specific demographic, and articulate your points so convincingly that you are perceived as a credible source. If the objective is to stimulate increased viewership, it is an extremely effective tactic, especially when combined with classic gaslighting.

So, what is it that has me slightly agitated at the moment? Well, I decided to view this one particular self-appointed expert regarding the definition of a high value man. After seeing all the buzz on social media, I wanted to see what had everyone talking. To be perfectly clear, the term high value man is extremely subjective. Nevertheless, the term was intriguing and I was curious regarding the involved prerequisites that had women clamoring for the opportunity to secure one. Viewing a few videos, it appeared the term revolved exclusively around elevated social status and wealth. Upon listening to one particular broadcast, I quickly realized the litany of responsibilities heaped upon women were tired misogynistic tropes that reminded me of a Mad Men era that became extinct long ago. I won’t explore a point by point analysis, but one proclamation that stood out was terribly problematic for me. Allow me to set the scene; a young woman calls into broadcast inquiring about the attainment of a high quality man. What followed was a bewildering, painful listen that left me wondering how people took this man seriously.

The speaker addresses the hard work required by a wife to keep said high value man. This assertion especially caught my attention: You’re (the wife) up at 5 o’clock in the morning, going to the gym, working out, making sure that by the time you get back, the kids are up. You have the kids breakfast ready, the kids are out the door. Make sure the kids get back home, the homework gets done, the kids are ready to go. I ain’t doing nothing for the kids. You have to get the kids ready to go…parent teacher conferences, homework, and everything else. I just look over it from an executive position and say great. Then you get the kids ready to go on and so forth. and then you serve your husband.

Now, if that looks like a tough read, it sounded much worse on video. And I even omitted some parts that further highlighted the servile role of the wife in the marriage. To be sure, this guidance from a “professional” is garbage. Now, full disclosure, I am not licensed in the field of psychology or social behavior, but anyone with a grain of commonsense can recognize bad advice when it is so nakedly blatant. Allow me to be perfectly clear, regardless of economic status, a man never abdicates his responsibilities as a father. There is more to providing for one’s family beyond providing for one’s family. In the context above, the husband (a 6 figure earner) has been reduced to the role of an automated workhorse whose sole purpose is to provide financial stability to his kid(s) and indentured servant. Apologies, I meant to type wife there.

Now, be sure to recognize this: An absentee father does not necessarily correlate to a man that does not reside with his children. An absentee father can indeed live under the same roof. If he is not fully present mentally, emotionally, or spiritually for his kids – then that man is indeed absent. A man simply cannot be disengaged from his children. A man should not be so absorbed in his professional life to the detriment of his relationship with his children, or his wife for that matter. You will work yourself to death and your job will be posted before your obituary, while your children won’t even know the man being eulogized. Fathers need to be fathers. That is why the advice and viewpoint above is so wantonly reckless. It is imperative that men are totally engaged in their children’s lives, whether in or out of the house. I understand that an individual has a right to their opinion. And the Internet is wide open for anyone to espouse an ideology on any platform. So, it is my duty to encourage, educate, and empower you with some facts courtesy of fatherhood.org.

  • Involved fathers improve their children’s overall emotional and social well-being.
  • Involved fathers reduce moms’ parenting stress.
  • Children with absent fathers are more likely to become absent fathers themselves.
  • Boys have fewer behavior problems and girls have fewer psychological problems when they have involved fathers.
  • Father involvement in schools is associated with higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A’s.
  • A father’s involvement during pregnancy positively influences health outcomes for mom, dad, and baby.
  • Daughters are less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior when they have consistent contact, and a sense of closeness with their dads.
  • Involved fathers lead to less distress in toddlers.
  • Children with involved dads are less likely to be mistreated.
  • One in four children live in a home without a dad.

Social media has elevated superficiality to such dizzying heights, the obvious deprivation of oxygen has impaired rational, logical thought in some individuals. If you are an adult and still utilize fabricated grade school metrics to assess beauty; perhaps you should reevaluate your current state of maturity. Now, I am not here to call anyone out for clout or stimulate website views – I run a small operation here. Nevertheless, small platform or not, moral courage is what compels my voice address disinformation and otherwise bad counsel. This is not rocket science. I wholly understand that the term “high value man” is a hot Internet catchphrase right now. However, the definition of value in this regard has been perverted to massage male fragility and insecurity while masquerading as a self-professed alpha male. Engaged fathers matter. Fully present fathers matter. Attentive fathers matter. I won’t get into deep dive regarding what determines a high value man. I’ve been chronicling specific standards that I believe a man should uphold on this site since 2008 – far before high value man became a buzzword. My thoughts generally focus on principled core values and ethical fundamentals. Many facets of a gentleman’s life (professional, family, community, talent/skill, personality) should account for what determines value. Bottom-line, again, fathers need to be fathers.

Today, without provocation, my daughter blurted out the definition of opaque. Approximately one week ago, she was discussing the concept of transparency (she had learned it in school), so I asked her if she knew the definition of opaque. She did not, and so I explained. Today, without provocation, she decided to reiterate that knowledge. She was so proud. And where did our initial conversation occur? It occurred during school pick-up. Me picking up the kids from school – fancy that. Miles knows how to pick fresh parsley, sauté vegetables, and grate various foods. How? Well, that is accomplished by inviting my son into the kitchen to prepare dinner for the family. Wait – I’m not supposed to be cooking, or shopping, or cleaning am I? Shame on me for engaged in matters of my home beyond paying a bill.

Trust, there is a tremendous benefit to being able to financially support or contribute to one’s family. Nevertheless, it would be woefully ignorant to underestimate the sense of fulfillment when you practice selflessness and serve your family. In addition to his family, a man will be performing a disservice to himself by depriving his life of those intimate, meaningful connections that can only be achieved through significant interaction. That value is incalculable. The pride that wells inside your chest as you watch your daughter recite the church poem you practiced with her days before. The gratitude you feel when your son grabs his stool to reach the counter because he never turns down an opportunity to cook with his father. The excitement you feel Christmas morning as you see the elation in their eyes as they tear through gifts. The feeling of devotion you feel when you set the alarm on your phone to wake up in timed intervals to deliver breathing treatments to your infant daughter through her crib bars. The trust you feel when you’re called to remove a splinter from a hand or foot. Amusement. Joy. Affection. In matters of your mental and emotional well-being, you cannot place a price tag on that. There are days when a memory or picture of my children is required to get me through the day. I need them as much as they need me some days.

Look, I’m not extraordinary special. I just understand the importance of engaged fatherhood. So, salute to Iman B. for exposing his son to woodworking during those special home projects. Salute to Adrian S. for his involvement in his son’s athletics and traveling out of state to attend championship tournaments. Salute to Milon B. for being involved with both his son and daughter during STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) activities. These are gentlemen within my peer group. And to any gentleman out there in the real world handling their business as nurturers and providers – salute to you too.

Daddy Diary – Superman Is a Fictional Character, Kryptonite Is Real and Super Dads Are Mortal

October 17, 2020 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

Stubbornly, I awkwardly stumbled my way down the driveway to my Ford Fusion and plopped down in the driver’s seat. I placed the key in the ignition to start the engine, shifted into reverse, looked over my right shoulder to confirm clearance – nothing. I looked over my left shoulder – nothing. I shifted the car back into park, removed my keys from the ignition, stumbled to my porch bench and sat there defeated. Nothing. As I had previously peered over my shoulders to perform the ritual of ensuring clearance of stray objects or pedestrians, the nothingness wasn’t the absence of things I may run over, rather it was my vision. I could not clearly make out anything. And so, I sat on my porch bench, defeated, and phoned my wife inside the house to verify if she was going to pick up our son from school. Stubbornly, I was trying to perform the role of Superman, but I failed.

My health issues started the day before on August 4, 2020. I remember that day because I was driving to the polls to vote. As I made a left turn on Evergreen Road, I noticed my vision momentarily blurred as I entered the turn. As I made a mental note of the occurrence, I figured it perhaps a consequence of motion sickness as I sometimes suffer from time to time. However, this time was different because I was the driver and not the passenger. I noted the strange occurrence and continued on to vote with no problems. However, later that evening, I suffered a dizzy spell as I was bringing dinner to the table for the kids. It stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to find my bearings.

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Daddy Diary – Ghosts of Christmas Past – How My Children Restored My Joy For the Holidays

December 24, 2019 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , , ,

I suspect that many family holiday gatherings – much like my own – center around a primary figure that shoulders the responsibility of bringing everyone together. My grandmother bore the responsibility for being that central, primary figure. And for the many years that encompassed my childhood and early adult years; 8882 Kimberly Court Detroit, Michigan 48204 was the hub for food, laughter, and overall joyous times. However, just a few months before I married my wife, that tradition ceased with the passing of our matriarch. She died, and in many respects so did my holiday spirit – especially during the Christmas season. Fractured; segments of my family splintered and celebrated the holidays with their own loved ones at various locales. We ceased to celebrate as one big family. And I fully understand what the real meaning of Christmas should be (as a matter of religious belief), but it is extremely difficult to divorce oneself from familial love and tradition. Sure, I participated in a superficial celebration of the holiday, nevertheless, I was helplessly ambivalent.

Approximately seven years after my grandmother’s passing, my daughter Ava was born. Two years thereafter my son Miles was born. As many parents can attest, the arrival of children marks a decided shift from yourself to little beings that are solely dependent upon you. And so, gradually throughout their young years, my attitude towards the holiday season began to positively change. In many ways, the death of my grandmother was the end of the first act of my young life. The second act was tough. The complexity of life will always offer varying degrees of adversity, but the struggle was about to get real. And life’s problems have a sly way of stripping happiness and joy.

I do not believe one simply moves on from the death of a loved one. No. The steady, deliberate passage time affords the necessary coping skills and rewarding life events to manage grief while building emotional and mental resiliency. The birth of my children was a blessing to both my mental and emotional state during the holidays. I am reminded of innocence. I am reminded of happiness absent preconditions. I am reminded of a wonderful ignorance of the grim realities of the world. And yes, my children love Santa Claus, Rudolph, Frosty, and even the Grinch. Undoubtedly, life awaits them, but for now, I will draw joy from the joy of their childhood. The second act (of my life) was a rough start but was eventually infused with hope. I wish my grandmother was still living to experience life with my children. Unfortunately, we don’t get everything we desire in life because, well, life is life. That part deeply saddens me. However, that sadness is balanced by the sheer joyous pandemonium that is going to ensue Christmas morning with gasps of excitement, flying wrapping paper, and screams of elation. I am a little compulsive, so tonight I will neatly arrange the gifts under the tree before that tornado touches down. I cannot wait. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your families!

Daddy Diary – Black Dads Matter, So With All Due Respect, I Am Not Your Average Stereotype

December 13, 2019 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , ,

It is my solemn promise, as a self-professed introvert, I truly attempt to mind my own business. For instance, I don’t actively participate in idle conversation with total, complete strangers. It’s just not within my comfort level. Furthermore, I certainly don’t overshare aspects of my personal life with said total, complete strangers. Nevertheless, those self-imposed unofficial rules do not discourage random individuals from volunteering their preconceptions and presumptions regarding yours truly. The stereotypes that accompany the role of a black male in society – notably here in the United States – are numerous to list, but for the purpose of this particular post, I will document a few scenarios when my fatherhood was defined by an old, tired trope regarding black marital status and parenting. It is irritating. It is maddening. It is ridiculous.

  • Scenario 1: Now, this particular situation is perhaps open to interpretation – I suppose. Maybe my experiences as a black male have left me rightly guarded and defensive. Nevertheless, during a normal shopping trip at Von Maur, I was searching for some outfits for my children. A salesperson offered some assistance, so I explained I was shopping for my daughter and son. I found some cute outfits and proceeded to the sales counter. I requested separate boxes so I could have each one gift wrapped so identification would be simple. The salesperson asked if I needed 2 gift receipts. The request struck me as odd, so I asked why would I require 2 gift receipts. Her answer: A gift receipt for each mother. I informed the salesperson that only 1 gift receipt was required as my wife was the mother of both my children. I guess one can’t purchase multiple gifts for children without the assumption that multiple women are involved.
  • Scenario 2: Walking through the office, I spotted a work friend, so I stopped briefly to say hello. He was involved in a conversation with a lady I did not know; I stated my pleasantries and attempted to keep it moving. He jokingly asked if I could pick him up some dinner after work. I informed him that I was on my way to pick up my kids from school. Out of nowhere, the lady offered that if I opted to secure his dinner instead of getting my kids, there would be some baby momma drama for me. Once again, I had to correct the record. My wife was out of town, so I had to tend to my children. Undeterred, she hit me with another label and called me Mr. Mom. At that point, I excused myself and walked away. Why can’t I be a normal, married black man picking his kids up from school? Is it that far out of the realm of possibility?

I am fully aware that black fatherhood – at least in America – is stereotypically synonymous with absenteeism, toxicity, and overall just being a bum – devoid of responsibility, accountability, and love. However, perception doesn’t perfectly correlate to reality. Now, it is true that nearly 70 percent of births by black women are to unwed mothers. That statistic, unfortunately, and incorrectly translates to the aforementioned narrative I outlined at the beginning of this paragraph. According to a 2013 study by the Center for Disease Control & Prevention, their findings belie the notion that black fatherhood is baby momma drama and fleeing from Friend of the Court. Surveying parental involvement of Hispanic, black, and white fathers; it appeared that black fathers performed their parental duties the best. The percentage of black fathers (aged 15-44 years) living with their children (aged 5 years and less) was higher than their Hispanic and white counterparts performing the following parental duties:

  • feeding or eating meals with their children
  • bathing, diapering, helping use the toilet and dressing their children
  • playing with their children
  • reading to their children

Now, I won’t pretend bad actors don’t exist. There is a sizable population of black men out there that do not represent the best of us. And to be sure, the fact that approximately 70 percent of births by black women are outside of marriage can be problematic. Nevertheless, as the study indicates, when the black male lives in the household, he is just as involved if not more than other fathers in different ethnic groups. I understand that film, television, music, news, and social media outlets are likely to continue the perpetuation of negative stereotypes. Black male brokenness appears to be more marketable than black male excellence. My daily rituals as a black father confound and surprise many individuals because I don’t adhere to historical, negative stereotypes. The data supports the reality – black fathers put in work. We have to change the narrative and fervently champion the virtues of being dedicated fathers to our children. We can no longer allow the unsavory sects of society to define our character and encourage us as black men to rise to low expectations. We have to set and maintain a standard of virtuous fatherhood by leading by example. I really would like this article to become a living post, as fathers chime in with advice and testimony, as you are living your best life as a black father and smashing age-old stereotypes. I hope to hear from you.

Daddy Diary – Not All Superheroes Wear Capes – Sometimes It’s Just Mismatched Pajamas & Crew Socks From Target

November 30, 2019 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , , , , ,

Nervously, I sat silently at the breakfast nook table awaiting an answer from my daughter. Ava was the Star Student of the Week, and the theme for this month was being a superhero. She was supplied with a poster with various blank sections that required fun, personal information about herself. There were sections that required a list of fun hobbies, an imaginary superpower, and the names of people in her super team (family members). There was also a section reserved for the identity of who was a superhero to her. I sat with her filling out each section. Finally, we arrived at the section that required the identity of her own superhero. And so, I asked the question and anxiously sat on the edge of my seat waiting for an answer. In popular culture, the role of the father is sometimes boiled down to an unaware nincompoop that faints at the first sign of a soiled diaper, is inept at preparing a decent meal, and is devoid of emotional intelligence that is essential for raising children.

Fortunately, young children are not well-versed in popular culture. They won’t succumb to the whims of societal pressure. So as I waited for Ava’s answer, I was hoping for some unbiased truth that wouldn’t sting too bad. Her choices were plentiful: Moana, Doc McStuffins, or any member of the PJ Masks super squad. Selfishly, I was hoping I would make the cut. To my relief, Ava revealed that my wife and I were her superheroes. As a parent, especially being a father, one only wishes that the job you perform as a parent is recognized on some level. To be loved, respected, and appreciated by your children is the greatest reward anyone can dare to hope. Through her lens, we were granted superhero status, and I felt joyous inside. So, I began to ponder what superpowers did I inherit after becoming a parent. I was able to readily identify five super-parent abilities. If you are a parent, you are probably familiar with the list below very well.

Super-parent Abilities

Intuition

  • I knew that my daughter wanted to be Moana for Halloween before she ever told me. So when I inquired about her preferred costume for Halloween, she confirmed that my assumption was indeed correct. Fully equipped and tailored with the Heart of Te Fiti pendant, Hei Hei the chicken, her magical oar, a Moana wig, and an authentic dress from Motunui (well, Target that is); she won the best overall costume for her age group. Parental “spidey senses” are quite useful when your entire world revolves around anticipating your kid’s wants and needs. And it is especially helpful when identifying potential danger around every corner. Case in point: Miles loves to be the “line leader” when entering school. However, he isn’t tall enough to be seen through the glass window by anyone on the opposite side of the door. On this particular day, he dashed to the door before me, and seconds later I spotted another gentleman about to open the door from the other side. Instinctively, I outstretched my arm (36/37 dress sleeve’s worth) to prevent the door from swinging open, thus “saving” Miles as noted by Ava on the poster above. Funny, without coaxing an answer from her, she was able to remember this incident from months ago.

The Power of Persuasion

  • When I first became a supervisor, one of my directors called me into her office to perform an exercise that I believe would provide insight regarding my character and thought process. She asked what would my superpower be if I was a superhero. Inspired by a series I was watching at the time – Jessica Jones season 1 – I believe I surprised her by referencing a little known villain by the name of Zebediah Killgrave. Killgrave’s mutant abilities included but were not limited to mind control and master manipulation. I admit this was a curious selection on my behalf, and my director’s facial response said as much. Why would I choose a villain with seemingly evil superpowers? Because, when utilized with principled and honest intent, the power of persuasion can be a valuable tool when interacting with a toddler. My communication skills are best described as thoughtfully measured, honest, reassuring, and transparent. In my profession, these traits are quite useful when speaking with colleagues, hospital staff, sales representatives, and vendors. Oh – and toddlers. Whether extracting splinters, administering breathing treatments for the first time with a scary mask, or persuading a child to trust you with a hairdryer as you quick-dry nail polish; establishing comfort and trust is essential as a parent.

Reflexes & Speed

    • I am blessed and thankful that neither of my children has experienced some kind of severe calamity in their early childhood. Nonetheless, that is not to say that I’ve been immune to close calls. As I mentioned before, especially with children, there is potential danger around every corner. And while it is always good to anticipate unforeseen peril; properly reacting to said peril is paramount. Now, one doesn’t need to be exposed to gamma rays or bitten by a radioactive spider to be endowed with uncanny strength, speed, or reflexes. Fear and adrenaline will work wonders. One such time involved a mental lapse on my behalf. One afternoon, I was taking Ava for a walk through the neighborhood. As I turned to close the garage door, I failed to engage the brake on the stroller. When I refocused my attention to the stroller, it had begun its descent down the driveway. Now, I may not possess superhuman speed like Quicksilver or Flash, but this big guy performed his best Usain Bolt impression and raced down the driveway to safely secure the runaway stroller. Calamity averted.

Hearing

  • As a parent, trust me, your ears will become perfectly synchronized with your child’s sound, both frequency and decibel level. You will also be able to detect the absence of sound. Sometimes it can be too, too quiet. How sharp will your hearing become? One night after putting the children down for bedtime, I retired to the family room to enjoy a few television shows. Faintly, over the volume of the television, I could hear my son crying out. With super-parent speed, I vaulted up the stairs to my son’s bedroom and discovered he was having a nightmare. I retrieved him from his bed, draped him over my shoulder, and soothed him back to sleep. Another circumstance found me pulling into my driveway after a day at work. As I exited my car to grab some groceries from my trunk, the sound of a distraught little girl caught my attention. Instantly, my brain began to decipher whether the child was mine and what direction the wails were being emitted from. Grocery bags and all, I ran to the backyard and found my little girl in distress over the presence of a bumblebee. We had to move dinner inside.

Invulnerability (not really)

  • After my wife and I closed on our house, we soon discovered a beehive inside a basement wall. My mother-in-law lived a few blocks away, so Stephanie was at her house tending to a newborn Ava. As I was at the house attempting to pinpoint where and how bees were filtering into our basement, I was summarily stung in the face. As I staggered to my mother-in-law’s house to put some ice on my cheek, I found Stephanie with an inconsolable child that she was unable to lay down for sleep. Swollen, burning cheek and all, I took possession of Ava, turned on Kenny G’s Greatest Hits, and cradled her to sleep on a nearby couch. No, my skin is not impenetrable, but I suppose it heals rapidly and is somewhat pain resistant – that bee sting hurt!

For more of my adventures, check out entries from my Daddy Diary for your reading enjoyment.

Daddy Diary – Beyond Dirty Diapers: 5 Things Every New Parent Will Loathe That They Were Never Warned About

November 23, 2019 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , , ,

Now, before I bear the entire brunt of the Internet parenting community, I wholeheartedly agree that becoming a parent can be a wondrous joy. Nevertheless, I would not be honest if I did not admit some aspects of being a parent that is quite a pain. Sure, you are bound to encounter that one parent that extols the sheer happiness and bliss of having children. And don’t get me wrong, in many situations, this is absolutely correct. However, as new parents will soon realize, there are some facets to parenthood that we unconditionally detest. Dislike. Hate. Loathe. Now, for the purpose of this post, I am going to exclude the usual suspects: changing diapers, lack of sleep, etc. Because, being a parent or not, who would love cleaning up feces 8 times per day on 4 hours of sleep? And Lord, for our first child, my wife wanted to use cloth diapers. That novelty was jettisoned out the window by the time our second child arrived. Soaking, scrubbing, and washing cloth diapers with OxiClean and a toothbrush did not lead to a happy disposition. I confess this particular pain point was self-inflicted insanity. However, parents-to-be, I am warning you. There are certain situations that you may not be able to avoid, and you may be caught with your guard down. I am here to provide a heads-up.

Daycare/School Tuition

  • My 5-year-old daughter can explain how a bat uses echolocation for flight navigation. My 3-year-old son knows his vowels and understands what doleful means. My daughter and son both can name all of the continents. There are science projects. There are spelling tests. Therefore, I cannot complain too much about my children’s schooling. Nevertheless, the cost of quality education can be financially debilitating for many parents. It is not unusual for one parent to take a temporary hiatus from work, stay home with the little ones, and forego the need for daycare or early education programs entirely. Seriously, the cost of daycare might as well be a second mortgage and car note. And if a school is closed for any reason, you may find yourself scrambling for child coverage, or you may have to forego work for the day. So you may miss a day’s pay and still have to pay for that day of schooling – double whammy! Trust, investing in your children’s future by providing quality education is one of the biggest responsibilities that a parent will undertake. Nonetheless, be forewarned, it is going to hurt.

Parental Title

    • Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Hey Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Hey Daddy. Hey Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Hey Daddy. When your child is an infant, you eagerly await to hear those magic words that indicate a verbal form of parental recognition. Hearing mommy or daddy for the first time is a milestone that every parent anxiously anticipates. However, when your child starts to seriously form thoughts and sentences, brace yourself for a torrent of inquisitive inquiries and miscellaneous proclamations – all prefaced with mommy or daddy. Let me tell you, forget waterboarding as an enhanced interrogation technique, play a voice recording of a kid repeating daddy or mommy on a continuous loop, and watch your subject snitch out the entire organization and identify intended targets. You can add sleep deprivation for good measure. We hate that too remember.

Car Seats

  • Trust me, the installation will never be as easy as the instructions or video will illustrate. Simply put, properly installing a car seat will be a pain in your back. Squeezing into a backseat to engage in a life and death struggle to safely install a car seat is no fun. Ask any parent, once that car seat is properly installed, you never want to remove it again. EVER. However, you will not be so lucky. One night, my wife came home late with one of the kids and I was greeted with the task of cleaning up vomit from the car seat. So late into the night, I had to remove the entire car seat, remove the upholstery, wash it, dry it, put the upholstery back on, and then reinstall that bad boy. Keep that instruction manual close – you are going to need it.

Be a Referee

  • My children can have the same color bowl with the exact amount of popcorn in each, and they will still find a way to bicker over who gets what bowl. If you have more than one child, prepare for the incessant arguing and bickering over the most meaningless subjects. Lord have mercy.

Daylight Saving Time

  • Every autumn, you perhaps eagerly anticipate the time when you get to enjoy an extra hour of sleep. If your state observes Daylight Saving Time, you know what I am referring to. But guess what? If you have a little one, your child’s body has no idea the time has shifted back an hour, or the time has shifted forward in the spring for that matter. So if your child’s wake up time is 7 a.m., be prepared to be stirred from your slumber at 6 a.m. And conversely, if you’ve jumped forward an hour, prepare to drag your kid out of their bed from a dead sleep. The solution for “falling back”: adjust your child’s bedtime 15 minutes later each progressive week (up to an hour) leading up to Daylight Saving. The reverse should be done in the spring and adjust bedtime 15 minutes earlier. I was lucky with my second child, as Daylight Saving does not appear (3+ years and counting) to have affected his sleep schedule.

The Standard #51

October 31, 2019 By in Standard Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

To be sure, the thoughtful gentleman understands that every moment of significance carries meaning. Moments matter. This is especially true for the gentleman that has embarked upon the journey of fatherhood. Understandably, the journey is an arduous one, replete with important occasions that beg the focused attention and participation of a father. This is non-negotiable. Hopefully, this active role fosters an intimate relationship between father and child grounded in an appreciation and love exclusive to both involved parties. For example, approximately three years ago, my daughter was experiencing respiratory distress that prompted an expeditious visit to the emergency room. My wife needed to be home with our newborn son since, ironically, a hospital isn’t the best spot for a newborn outside of the initial birth. So I stayed with my daughter through a series of evaluations and treatments until she was discharged.

During the entirety of the event, I provided a calming and reassuring presence for her, as you can expect the circumstances would be quite frightening to a two-year-old. Now, some may think it odd, but I took pictures and videos during our stay in the hospital. I wanted to capture this moment in time; this moment that further strengthened our bond as father and daughter.  To her, I was her protector – a source of depended comfort and safety. To me, she was my ward – simply my little baby girl. I had to be there for her. And every now and again – three years later – I still look at pictures and videos from those days we shared together. And upon viewing them, the emotions from that day come flooding back – in a positive way. Despite the circumstances, I cherish that time we shared together.

Now, I don’t assert that a father and child need to experience an extreme event to form a healthy, caring connection. However, I am asserting that a father should never shy away from moments with his kid(s), no matter how large or small. And he should embrace opportunity fully and make the most of it. Sure, a gentleman probably won’t engage in every waking event, but an honest effort is definitely demanded. There possibly can be a myriad of chances at a gentleman’s disposal: attending a recital, helping with homework, attending children’s school events, etc. Do not be mistaken, inaction is actually a conscious action. Gentlemen, as fathers, ensure the present-day with your kids isn’t a missed opportunity that becomes a distant past that you regret in the future. Make the most of your moments now!

Black Thought

October 15, 2019 By in Black Thought Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

“The true accolade was not only my father saying he was pleased, but that my grandmother would have been proud of me.”

William H. Hastie

Whether it is chronicling my adventures as a father here on this blog or being acknowledged by an individual while out in public, I generally receive positive affirmations regarding how I carry myself as a father. I am not so arrogant to bask in imaginary adulation and admiration, I receive any compliment humbly and move on. Nevertheless, after watching the latest ESPN 30 for 30 about the life and times of Dennis Rodman, I began to ponder about what attributes does a man require to be considered a good father. What drives some men to be good fathers while others falter? Why do some men from similar backgrounds embark upon dissimilar paths? A tearful Rodman expressed the want to be a good father and admitted his shortcomings. Yet that penitence did not offer comfort or solace to his children that yearned for fatherly love, for his contrition was absent meaningful action as a father.

Now, it is my sincere belief that no man, when faced with the prospect of becoming a father, willingly and consciously wants to fail as a parent. Rather, I believe some men are woefully equipped mentally, emotionally, and intellectually prior to becoming a father. We are all flawed. And the stress and pressure of fatherhood only work to exacerbate those human flaws. Nevertheless, I humbly consider myself a good father. I have been asking myself why lately. I check all the proverbial boxes for environmental conditions that should be a strong indicator of failed fatherhood. I was born in Detroit, Michigan and raised in a single-parent household that relied upon public assistance to make ends meet. There were other extenuating circumstances, but I will retain some simplicity here for the audience. My point should be clear to the audience – growing up as a young black male in a large urban city had some challenges to be sure.

So, how did I become an exception and avoid becoming a negative statistic? Well, after a few days of thinking, I surmised that the foundation of being a good father is constructed upon sound moral character, fidelity to responsibility, and a clear understanding of sacrifice. The two most prominent figures in my life – my mother & grandmother – fashioned the template that formed the man that I am today. With the aforementioned attributes in my mind, I was mainly driven by two directives: I never wanted to bring shame or disrespect to my family and I wanted to be the type of man that they could view with pride. And now, that way of thinking is extended to how I raise my children. This is what drives me to be the man and father that they will view with love and pride. Gentlemen – what motivates you to be the best father to your children?

Daddy Diary – Be a Father to Your Child – 10 Essential Parenting Skills & Responsibilities That Every New (Or Not So New) Father Should Embrace

October 7, 2019 By in Daddy Diary Tags: , , , 3 Comments

My opening statement may be slightly harsh. However, to be perfectly frank and candid, some men just are not built for this thing called fatherhood. Unfortunately, this thing called fatherhood does not come a written manual. And, if you were to query a large sample of individuals, they would assert that parenthood itself is not suited for everyone – regardless of gender. Sure, there is no shortage of books on the market that provide some informative, smart, and well-intentioned guidance.

Nevertheless, every possible action required by a parent cannot be anticipated or scripted. Some of the parenting knowledge that I have extracted over the course of the last 5 years has been trial and error. There are some things that cannot be learned from a book. I have learned that fatherhood owes much to natural instinct, forethought, sacrifice, and sometimes just plain common sense. Nevertheless, I would be misleading the audience if I allege to have never referenced a book or scoured the Internet thoroughly for parenting information. Generally, the exercise is hit or miss. I found a lot of lists missing in-depth information for new fathers.

Therefore, I have decided to compile a detailed list of skills and pieces of advice for the gentleman; information that may not be readily available in a book or compiled on the Internet. This list is by no means an exhaustive list; as parenting is an organic and ever-changing journey. Becoming a new father can be absolutely terrifying and petrifying. Trust me, there is grit and grind to parenting. It is involved and it is exhaustive mentally, emotionally, and physically. To quote Furious Styles (G-rated version): Any fool with a penis can make a baby, but only a real man can raise his children. Again, many men aren’t built for the grit and grind to come with being a new dad. So, let’s explore some essential responsibilities every new father should take up. Continue reading →

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