Living Your Best Life – Showing Up
Tag Archives: Work
Black Thought
“Real education means to inspire people to live more abundantly, to learn to live with life as they find it and make it better.”
– Carter G. Woodson
To be absolutely sure, a gentleman’s life earns new significance when he not only identifies his purpose, but he also cultivates that purpose into something tangible that benefits other individuals. It is tragically irresponsible when an accomplished gentleman attains a certain degree of success, only to be miserly and penurious with his blessings. For the blessed gentleman that enjoys prosperity and favor, it is critical that he utilizes his influence to encourage, empower, and educate the under-served, often neglected sects of our society.
When benevolence and compassion no longer exist in the hearts and minds of men, the quality of life for both the fortunate and less fortunate gradually diminish. And the best quality of life is something we should all strive to achieve – for everyone. So, operating within your domain of achievement, I urge the gentleman to re-purpose his purpose and seek to promote excellence and success in the lives those who are underprivileged. And going forward, hopefully, they will perform the same charitable act for someone else.
The Standard #58
To be absolutely clear, a hardworking gentleman understands the meaning and value of his tireless labor. And to be absolutely sure, the reality of fatherhood only heightens said understanding. Trust, this gentleman maintains a deep, fundamental comprehension of provision and the significance of being a contributor. And so, when seasons of life are absent peace or joy – perhaps both; it is not uncommon for him to lean heavily into his work; a passionate attempt to seek refuge and fulfillment by claiming, reasserting his own value to himself. Work is transformed into an instrument that exerts authority over one’s mental and emotional well-being.
It is a blunt tool utilized to manage anxiety, stress, insecurity, and pain. He accepts the incredible burden of arduous work to unburden himself of heavier burdens – both emotional and mental. However, whatever accomplishments that are attained, the satisfaction is never truly satisfying. Frantic attempts for relief only lead deeper into work. The wise gentleman must conclude that work does not inherently grant him value. Rather, it is he that affords value to his work, to his friends, to his family, and to himself. So, if no one tells you today (and demonstrate through their actions); I am here to convey on behalf of countless gentlemen such as yourself; you are recognized, appreciated, respected, and loved.
Weight No Longer – The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly During My Weight Loss Journey
Well gentlemen, this was undoubtedly the lowest that my confidence had quietly plummeted. My self-esteem careened wildly over a cliff and exploded into an internal inferno within my heart. I was better than the man I recognized in the mirror with unfamiliarity. And yet, ironically in cruel fashion with the picture on the left, the requirement to employ a waistband extender to my slacks was not sufficient enough to spur an epiphany about my weight – I was dangerously overweight. I betrayed my body, and in turn my body was betraying me. Mysterious aches would greet me in the morning as I rose out of bed. I began to shy away from taking photographs. I was not inspired to attend events because I understood I would most likely need new, larger clothing. Because, sadly embarrassingly, I could no longer fit my old stylish threads. Fortunately, it took an unfortunate medical emergency during the summer of 2023 to kickstart my weight loss. My cardiologist was very blunt with his assessment: My life would most likely be cut short if I did not make the necessary health changes. To be sure, the journey has been challenging, but here I stand at 196 pounds after topping out at an unbelievable 315 pounds. I will most likely write about how I did it in a subsequent blog post. Today, however, I wanted to highlight the good, the bad, and the ugly along the way. Because, and the Lord knows it true, it was not easy.
The Ugly
- A gentleman will soon realize that not everyone will be on board with the weight loss. Disclaimer, this is my personal account, so I want to be fully transparent. I have not had bariatric surgery, nor do I use GLP-1 drugs such as Ozempic or Wegovy. However, I have noticed a not so quiet criticism of individuals that do utilize such agents as a way to discredit or undermine their weight loss. Personally, I have been on the weight loss grind by walking, strength training, intermittent fasting, and eating healthier. That is what works best for me. If you are on a similar grind, some people may accuse you of employing the aforementioned weight loss methods. And that is between you, your family, and physician if that is case. Otherwise, just keep grinding and ignore the accusations. People can be seriously coldhearted nowadays, and if you are on a journey that is already taxing on your mind, body, & spirit; it’s important you surround yourself with positivity and well-intended support.
The Bad
- Now, losing over 100 pounds has taken an insane amount of discipline. As an ardent lover of sweets, people just don’t realize how easy it is to go over the edge and spiral into indulgence. Sure, it may be easy for you to practice moderation, but for me it is eerily similar to an addict with sugar being my drug of choice. There is a reason why I ballooned to 315 pounds. A typical day could consist of a McDonald’s Big Breakfast with hotcakes and orange juice, Domino’s Garlic Parmesan Wings with Bacon & Jalapeno Stuffed Cheesy Bread for lunch, and a Beef Chalupa Supreme combination (soft taco & soft drink) with a Beans & Rice Burrito from Taco Bell to end the day. And that doesn’t include random treats during the day (Twinkies, sweet potato pie, chocolate brownies, donuts, chocolate cheesecake, etc.) and beverages (Gatorade, lemonade, grape juice, Pepsi, and Orange Sunkist). It’s really quite embarrassing to type that out for all to see. However, I need to convey that the struggle is quite real. So, sometimes I cannot approach food with half-measures. A cheat day here, a cheat day there, a day off from the gym here, or a day off there can snowball into an avalanche fast. So, the involuntary side-eyes I receive when I am trying to make better choices or abstain from certain food choices can be a little irritating. You can feel the eyes zeroing in on your plate while you’re just minding your own business. People may caution you against becoming too small, and their heart may be in the right place, but the reality is they are probably just accustomed to seeing you overweight. Honestly, being “too small” is most likely the equivalent to just being a normal size – at least for me.
- So, to reiterate, the self-discipline to do what it takes to lose weight will be off the charts. I mean, chocolate Twinkies are SO TASTY. Losing weight will require you to eat smaller meals and walking away from, albeit delicious, unhealthy sugar & fats. It will require going to the gym or walking when lounging on the couch feels so much better. You WILL get cravings. My gym is across the parking lot from JJ Fish & Chicken, and that aroma cascading through the air hits my nostrils like a savory sledgehammer. Fast food commercials will make your eyes widen and mouth water because McDonald’s is offering a double Fish Filet akin to a Big Mac or KFC’s newest monstrosity bowl of mashed potatoes, chicken, corn, and cheese sounds nauseatingly tempting. It requires staying the course when EVERYTHING you have done hits a plateau and your weight either does not budge or worst yet – even increases! Oh my, the times I wanted to say screw it and throw down with some warm chocolate brownies and French vanilla ice cream. You have to stay the course because…
The Good!
- If I can stereotype men for a moment, we can become obsessed with performance. Be it competitive sports or any kind of competition for that matter, job responsibilities, or even in the arena of intimacy – we want, no, we need to perform our best. So, when a gentleman abuses his body in such a way that I did, ultimately performance in those arenas may suffer. Since losing a considerable amount of weight, I no longer wake up with aches and pains that I deceivingly blamed on aging. I no longer become winded during minor exertion such as walking up stairs. And for gentlemen of a certain age – listen closely because I am 48 years old – I am not proclaiming 20-year-old Dirk Diggler type performances, but strength training, walking, and eating right has done wonders for my stamina and fitness.
- Also, my clothing just hits differently now. Never underestimate the power that a well put together outfit can do for confidence and self-esteem. I went to get myself measured by a tailor because I had not done so in many years. I was shocked at the measurements. My neck size decreased from 17.5 to 16. My waist decreased from 44 to 38. My suit jacket decreased from a 50R/50L to a 44R/44L – although a 46R/46L would probably be most comfortable. When the salesperson suggested a slim cut dress shirt to gauge the right fit, I immediately thought: No way I am getting into a slim cut dress shirt with a 16-inch collar. As soon as I saw myself in the mirror, I asked if I could go take a few pictures (above on the right) of myself. I could not believe my eyes! Gents, I am not ashamed to admit, I damn near cried during the car ride home. The personal accomplishment, the happiness was too real.
- Now, let’s talk numbers, because true to form, it’s what on the inside that counts. During my checkup with my cardiologist, my vitals were as follows: blood pressure 110/77, total cholesterol reduced from 277 mg to 121 mg, LDL reduced from 219 mg to 77 mg, triglycerides reduced from 163 mg to 43 mg, and hemoglobin A1c reduced from 9.4 to 6.4. My HDL needs to be around 60 mg (mine was 43 mg), but my “bad” cholesterol numbers were great. Disclaimer: Due to bad genetics, I am on a statin. I have a rendezvous with my cardiologist and primary care physician in July. I cannot wait to show them all my hard work is continuing to pay dividends! And now, off to the gym I go!
The Professional – It’s a Sabotage – 5 Simple Ways You’re Undermining Your Career
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com
I have been exceedingly blessed with just over twenty-one years of work experience; nineteen years employed by the same company. I am truly thankful and gracious to experience such longevity. I have held a number of roles at various levels within the organization, and I have observed the varying degrees of success and failure of other colleagues. At this point, I am never surprised to see a colleague blame their lack of success on other individuals or the company itself. Now, I am not carelessly blind to the existence of professional barriers based on racial, gender, age, and sexual orientation discrimination. That is a topic for another conversation.
And while the aforementioned offenses could surely send a career down in flames; let us recognize other brazen violations that will not only severely hinder one’s career; it could get you terminated, sued, or perhaps even worse – sent to jail. Offenses such as sexual harassment, physical assault, theft, or NSFW material in the office will surely tank anyone aspiring an ascent up the corporate ladder. Today, however, I want to highlight 5 behaviors that aren’t so blatant. Well, maybe they are blatant. Still, you would be surprised that some individuals don’t connect these toxic traits to a sputtering or unfulfilling career.
5 Office Habits That Are Sabotaging Your Career
- Gossiping – The professional environment should remain as such – professional. Yet many individuals behave as if they are still in grade school. To be sure, word does indeed travel fast – as does the identity of the individual spreading said word. Disseminating misinformation and/or disinformation is a good indicator that the person is not particularly trustworthy. Advancing your career could prove to be difficult if you develop a reputation for spreading inaccurate information, blatantly false information, or information that should otherwise be kept confidential. Leadership will be hard pressed to have an individual amongst the ranks that consistently leaks and spreads information to the detriment of the company.
- Complaining – Straight up and to the point: No one wants to work with a malcontent. True indeed, misery loves company. However, misery needs to understand that the rest of us can do without your negativity and toxic attitude. Understand that your incessant complaining is draining and exhausting. Offering opposition absent any meaningful propositions is never constructive and adds zero value to the work environment. The malcontent only exceeds at dampening spirits, derailing productivity, and worse yet – spreading their toxicity to other employees. If presented with the opportunity, a company would be most inclined to remove this workplace cancer from the team.
- Average at Best – A professional should never be too comfortable with being comfortable. True, one can feel fully satisfied with their current work situation with absolutely no desire for further advancement. And that is fair. However, performing the bare minimum just to skate by could very well jeopardize performance reviews and tag you as exceedingly expendable. I am not advocating that one work themselves into an early grave for an ungrateful employer. However, willful acceptance of mediocrity is not doing your development any favors – professionally or even personally.
- The Office Villain – Closely related to the complainer; but instead of consistently sharing their disdain solely towards the company, venom is also unleased upon fellow colleagues. Communication consists of belittling and disparaging others. Work ethic is strictly self-serving without any regard for making the team better. The office villain is obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, and quick to throw anyone under the bus to get ahead or avoid responsibility. This person never crossed a bridge they didn’t like to torch. In the workplace, your reputation is your brand. So, don’t expect anyone to invest in you if the product is unprincipled, cantankerous, and trash.
- Bad Work Performance – This example is self-explanatory. Woefully devoid of self-awareness, you are unabashedly terrible in your role. Trust, at any moment, your belongings could be in a cardboard box. Yet, you think your dreadful work performance and poor work ethic should be handsomely rewarded during performance review time. The profound lack of ownership regarding your shortcomings and errors is breathtaking. You display little curiosity in learning and growing within your professional craft. If you are adding little to no value (maybe even adding negative value) to a company; understand that your career stagnation is wholly your own doing.
Note: There are exceptions to every rule, and some individuals you may see succeeding embody the traits above. Nevertheless, that is not an excuse for you to exhibit the same behaviors. Ultimately, the goal is to be the best version of yourself and live your best life.
The Professional – 5 Reasons Why Emulating Ben Simmons Won’t Fly in the Workplace
Well, the NBA season is underway, and it is one of the more anticipated seasons in recent memory. There are a myriad of competitive head-to-head matchups that have fans salivating. This season is also filled with some interesting controversies and headlines that exploded throughout the world of sports before the season even began. One of those controversies involve Ben Simmons and his tumultuous relationship with the Philadelphia 76ers. Following a dreadful playoff performance that witnessed him literally avoid touching the basketball, passing up open shots, and passing immediately to teammates if he did get his fingertips on the ball.
Simmons lost confidence in his shot and was petrified of going to the free throw line. Already a bad free throw shooter at 61%, that average plummeted to a woeful 34% during the playoffs. The Philadelphia fanbase and media were merciless. To be honest, Simmons was shook mentally, and I seriously felt remorse for the guy. I am old enough to remember a similar mental block occur with former NBA star Nick Anderson. However, as bad as the press have been, Simmons has exhibited a glaring lack of accountability and self-awareness. Simmons is fortunate. He is still a superstar with a ton of talent, so he can still be an asset to any team seeking a championship. Nevertheless, the average employee works in the real world absent multimillion dollar contracts, agents, and basketball talent to leverage demands. Exhibiting behavior like Ben Simmons just may get you terminated. Here are some behaviors one should definitely avoid when working in the office.
Bad Work Performance – If you are gainfully employed by a company, there is a logical expectation that you perform your job suitably enough to receive compensation. Now, whether or not those wages are fair & competitive is subject matter for another blog post. Nevertheless, if you are an employee with suspect work ethic and inadequate work performance, a company can reserve the authority to separate you from the business. Unlike Ben Simmons, it is highly doubtful you will be afforded the same opportunity to dial in bad performance after bad performance without meaning repercussions. People also have a self-inflated sense of their worth. Sure, one should always have confidence in oneself. However, you can’t have Craig Ehlo skills with a Michael Jordan attitude.
Lack of Growth & Development – Now, if bad work performance is one issue, lack of self-awareness is certainly another problem. If you are performing poorly at work, management should be providing feedback regarding expectations and suggestions for personal improvement. An ambivalent or otherwise adversarial attitude is not in your best interests. Failing to improve and better yourself will only lead to career stagnation. You don’t want to be viewed as expendable. You must be able to step back and identify your weaknesses if you wan to become a better version of yourself.
No Showing At Work – Unless your company has a union that has strategically planned a walkout or strike, it is in your best interest to show up to work. Failing to show up to work for a certain number of days can be viewed as job abandonment. Unlike Simmons, the average worker cannot skip training camp and the preseason. It is either you show up to work or find other means to make a living.
Alienating Coworkers – It is not unusual for an employee to have some sort of beef with management. However, if you have bad relationships with your coworkers, you could possibly be contributing to a toxic environment. No one wants to work with a malcontent. If you are a disruption to the mission, vision, and team; management will sooner sever all ties with you for the good of the team. This is known as addition by subtraction – removing a cancer from the team in order to move in a positive, constructive direction.
Insubordination and Disrespectful Behavior – To be sure, there is a chain of command in the workplace. And unless you are at the top of that chain, an employee has a leader to whom they report. Noncompliance with a directive from leadership is a surefire way to earn a pink slip. Disrespecting your leadership is a surefire way to earn a pink slip.
I understand that some of these points may not be popular, but this needs to be read by someone. Because, as social media and celebrity figures continue to influence and empower, the every day employee may believe they can operate like said celebrity. That is simply not the case in the real world. And as Dave Chappelle alluded to in his latest Netflix special, but in a different context, Twitter is not a real place. And thinking you can move like the famous or people who are social media famous might get you fired. My suggestion: Go to work and be fully present. Practice some self-reflection and humility as you become the best version of yourself. Ensure that you build meaningful relationships and respect leadership. And if the fit is not right for you; seek other opportunities in a professional manner.
The Professional – Business Never Personal – Quintessential Advice For Managing Workplace Conflict & Challenges
I am absolutely confidant, if you are an individual with a management position, you should be all too familiar with resolving conflicts involving direct reports. Sometimes, management receives a bad reputation. We are perceived as aloof, power-hungry individuals that are woefully disengaged from their staff. We wield our perceived power to make ourselves feel better and we have no clue about the work being performed around us. Honestly, some of us are just regular folk, straddling a fine line between company policy and managing a motley crew of employee personalities and behaviors. I have advanced my career throughout the years, starting as a laboratory assistant and achieving a position in lower tier management as a supervisor. I know a thing or two because I have seen a thing or two.
And while management may not be viewed positively by many, here is a newsflash, sometimes the staff can be pretty problematic and toxic too. As a leader, managing the core work is sometimes the easiest aspect of the job. Things become complicated when a challenging employee personality, bad behavior, and company rules collide. It is enough to drive a manager or supervisor insane. And if you are new to management, sometimes you have to learn to navigate this world through live-fire. Here, I wanted to share what I have learned throughout the years as a supervisor. It is not an exhaustive list, and if you are a manager reading this, please share some of your views that I may have missed. It is my hope that the following insight is helpful to someone.
- This first piece of advice cannot be overstated; it is absolutely paramount that a manager remain calm and refrain from fervent displays of agitation or direct anger towards a colleague. No doubt, depending on the specific circumstances, adhering to this task can be quite daunting. Nevertheless, given your position of authority, your standard of professional behavior is definitely and expectedly higher. In my particular case, speaking bluntly, I cannot afford outward displays of indignant belligerence as a black man – it’s not a good look. And that may sound cynical, but historical stereotypes of black men still exist today, therefore I am very cognizant of managing my temperament. A manager must remain measured and calm in the presence of direct reports.
- If you are delivering one-on-one coaching or disciplinary action, another colleague in leadership accompanying you in the room is highly recommended. Your immediate peer in leadership should be impartial and removed from the specific situation; acting only as a witness and perhaps as a buffer between the acting manager and colleague should the atmosphere becomes inflamed. If you feel your impending engagement has the potential of becoming hostile, recruiting assistance from your director/manager or even human resources may also be necessary.
- If the engagement becomes heated and not conducive to an actionable, constructive outcome; never be afraid to table the conversation and revisit the matter at another time.
- Maintaining a clear and fair thought process, it is important for you manage the situation and behavior – not the colleague. Hold on, wait, that does not make sense if you are “managing” colleagues. What I am saying is this: You must be separate the colleague from the issue that requires resolution; only acts or behavior should be addressed. It is wise to omit any personal opinions or views about said colleague. You should stick to the facts and only what can be proven. Clear any negative thoughts you may feel about the colleague and stick to the issue. Do not shift or allow the colleague to shift the conversation away from the issue at hand. Once you allow the conversation to stray from the subject being discussed, you will lose sight of the resolution that needs to be determined.
- A manager should never rush into conflict unprepared and off the cuff. You should take a moment to gather all pertinent facts before you begin the process of conflict resolution. If a colleague engages you for an immediate sit-down, your primary function is to listen and observe. This should be a part of your fact-gathering process. Thank the colleague for bringing the matter to your attention and convey that you will further investigate the incident.
- Document, document, document. It is important to keep detailed records of events and incidents. If you are meeting one-on-one, a summary of the meeting should be communicated to all involved parties. All details of the event in question should be recorded and kept on file.
- It would be wise to lean heavily into your company’s mission and core values to help guide you through managing a given situation. This harkens back to my previous advice of managing the situation and not the colleague. Your role as a manager or supervisor is to ensure that company policy is being recognized and followed. Your personal views are not your own. You are a representative of the company whose responsibility is to remind, enforce, and ensure company culture is being observed and practiced. You must provide clear and concise feedback that align with the company mission and vision. Also remember, you are in a position of authority, so consequences should be clearly conveyed.
- To be sure, managers or supervisors are not robots. We have emotions too. We have personal opinions. It is vital that we express those feelings regarding any particular circumstance. However, this expression is best suited for an audience outside of your employment. It’s best to save your raw, unfiltered observations for a spouse or significant other within the confines of your own home. Never vent or bad-mouth a subordinate to another subordinate. Never disclose personal, confidential information about a subordinate or anyone else. Do not broadcast grievances on social media. Do not utilize company technology such as e-mail or messaging to disparage colleagues.
The Standard #58
To be absolutely clear, a hardworking gentleman understands the meaning and value of his tireless labor. And to be absolutely sure, the reality of fatherhood only heightens said understanding. Trust, this gentleman maintains a deep, fundamental comprehension of provision and the significance of being a contributor. And so, when seasons of life are absent peace or joy – perhaps both; it is not uncommon for him to lean heavily into his work; a passionate attempt to seek refuge and fulfillment by claiming, reasserting his own value to himself. Work is transformed into an instrument that exerts authority over one’s mental and emotional well-being. It is a blunt tool utilized to manage anxiety, stress, insecurity, and pain. He accepts the incredible burden of arduous work to unburden himself of heavier burdens – both emotional and mental. However, whatever accomplishments that are attained, the satisfaction is never truly satisfying. Frantic attempts for relief only lead deeper into work. The wise gentleman must conclude that work does not inherently grant him value. Rather, it is he that affords value to his work, to his friends, to his family, and to himself. So, if no one tells you today (and demonstrate through their actions); I am here to convey on behalf of countless gentlemen such as yourself; you are recognized, appreciated, respected, and loved.
The Professional – The Coronavirus Chronicles: 5 Ways to Keep a Team Motivated & Engaged While Working From Home
To be absolutely certain, SARS-CoV-2 has altered and disrupted contemporary life as we know it. Our daily routines have been cast into disarray; so we steel ourselves daily with the resolve and steadfastness to answer different challenges we all face. As I stated in my previous post, working remotely from home is not as glamorous as it may appear to the public. Trust, those of us that can work remotely are blessed. However, there are some challenges that cannot be ignored. Locked down utilizing whatever space is available to conduct work efficiently and effectively can be challenging. For example, my role and responsibilities require a consistent carousel of interaction with suppliers, hospital personnel, sales representatives, executive leadership, and fellow colleagues. These tasks are not an issue within the comforting confines of a cubicle or meeting room. Now, at home – not so much. Without a doubt, the concept of work-life balance has been disrupted. Coupled with the elimination of in-person team collaboration and the specter of furlough or termination; the combined stress can deplete what little remains of a worker’s drive and enthusiasm. As leaders, how can we keep a team motivated and engaged when the energy just isn’t there given the current environment? I am not an expert, but I offer 5 tips below that might be helpful.
Daddy Diary – The Coronavirus Chronicles: 10 True Confessions of a Parent Working From Home
Perhaps contrary to widespread popular belief, working from home is not as glamorous as may be suspected. Please, do not misunderstand, I am very thankful for the capability to continue my employment remotely. Nevertheless, working remotely does pose unique challenges that cannot be easily dismissed. Every morning I board the struggle bus on the way to work. My patience, energy, and emotions wear critically thin as the day progresses. Sharing a workspace with 2 toddlers and a spouse (also working remotely) while trying to work effectively is truly demanding. And life does not stop simply because your work is now based out of your kitchen nook. One afternoon I was working in the dining room when I heard my daughter call out from upstairs. She was taking a nap and woke up with a nasty nosebleed.
Of course, I had to stop what I was doing and tend to my daughter. First, I stopped her nosebleed. Then I stripped her bed, blotted her mattress cover with hydrogen peroxide, cleaned up the blood that had trickled down the hallway & stairs, stain-treated her Frozen dress and sheets, and laundered both before returning to work at the table. Ah, I forgot, I prepared her afternoon snack after all that was completed. Nevertheless, I was proud to show her that the Frozen dress was clean. Each day presents its own adventure. So yes, working from home is a privilege for which I am truly thankful, but the battle for sanity ensues every time I open my eyes Monday through Friday. Below, you will find 10 “confessions” of a working dad just trying to remain productive in a Brooks Brothers button-up and Goodfellow pajamas from Target.
-
Scenes from a pandemic – work from home edition.
As perplexing and strange as it may appear, I confess that I actually miss certain aspects of the workplace. Trust me, I don’t miss the daily Michigan commute or intervening in petty office squabbles. However, I miss the daily soup and chili served in the cafeteria. I miss the adult conversation with a few colleagues, such as opinions about the latest episode of The Walking Dead or what team will reach the NBA Finals. These are conversations that cannot be had with toddlers.
- And speaking of toddlers, if you see my mouth moving on a video conference call, yet no sound is detected, the mute button is not unintentional. Most likely I am bellowing instructions at my children for quiet or attempting to quell a potential sibling fracas. Also, if my fingers are interlocked and positioned in front of my mouth in a thoughtful pose; you guessed correctly, I am bellowing instructions at my children for quiet or attempting to quell a potential sibling fracas. I just try to look intelligent doing it.
- If at any time my computer screen goes unexpectedly “dark” during a video conference call; the bald eagle is on the move. Whether it is preparing lunch for the children, breaking up a fight already in progress, or tending to a toilet clogged with Charmin Ultra Soft – some situations require hands-on attention. Generally, I have my mobile phone in tow so I can keep up with the group conversation and chime in when needed.
- Cisco Jabber is a vital tool for communicating at my job. Cisco Jabber is an application that provides instant messaging, conferencing, voice messaging, and desktop sharing. When utilizing the instant message function, there are various statuses that can be displayed to designate a user’s current condition. Now, when my status transitions from “available” to “away”, nature is probably calling and I have to settle a bit of business. And no, my mobile phone is not in tow. A brother has to set some boundaries.
- True, I write about style and dress for gentlemen, but working from home has changed up everything regarding dress code. To state that the dress code is relaxed in my home office would be an understatement. Yeah, you may see my rocking a sport shirt during a video conference call, but a brother is sporting pajama bottoms – clear out of sight of the camera. Now, my director did surprise one afternoon with a video call. He caught me wrapped up in a blanket. Look damn it, Michigan decided to pretend it was early February, and it was cold in my basement! At least it wasn’t a Snuggie.
- Sometimes I skip showers. There I said it. I literally roll out of bed and log in. And I do not care. For years now, I would awaken at the crack of dawn and perform the following duties: get both children showered & clothed, prepare their breakfast, pack their lunch, get myself showered and clothed, drive them to school, and then continue my commute to work. Now mornings are not as hectic. I can multitask better. So, yeah, sometimes I may not hit the shower until late afternoon or evening. And I seriously don’t give a damn. Nope. And I can’t be shower-shamed either.
- Prior to video conference calls, I ensure my background is painfully plain. Just because I’m rocking pajama bottoms and won’t shower until 5pm, it doesn’t mean I want people to spy random items strewn around the house. I always do a quick room check before turning on the camera.
- I desperately attempt to find areas of isolation to work undisturbed, but there aren’t many viable locations in my home. My children always find me. Of course, they have no idea that Daddy is on a video call, so they will casually stroll into the room behind me doing kid stuff – like having a dance party. As you can see in one of the pictures above, my daughter decided to whip out her sleeping bag and set up a spot to chill behind me.
- With my office setup essentially in my basement, sometimes it is hard to disconnect from work. Sometimes I find myself logging back in after my family has retired for the night. So generally, I am the last person to go to bed, but one of the first up – Ava usually beats me by a few minutes. She is even so kind as to wander to my side of the bed and hand me my glasses. That’s her way of telling me to get up and get going.
- All things considered, there has been a benefit that I admit has been welcome. I am not eating fast food because I don’t drive anywhere. I am saving a lot of money on gasoline. Since school has been canceled, I have received a temporary reprieve from school tuition. And even though they drive me up the wall, I am spending more time with the kids since I am not getting home late from work. Sure, I am slowly losing my grip on reality, but there are some positives to glean from the experience.
No More Mr. Nice Guy Misconceptions- 5 Effective Leadership Approaches For a Nice Guy
Broadly speaking, every gentleman has perhaps struggled with some form of insecurity at a particular juncture in life. And I am certainly not a beneficiary of any special exclusions. To be sure, I am not immune to episodes of uneasiness and internal distress with what I perceive as personal character flaws. I put forth the best effort to manage and suppress feelings of uncertainty and dissatisfaction; sometimes with success and other times falling short. In many ways, writing is very therapeutic, and it is always my hope that my musings serve as encouragement and empowerment to readers. A circumstance this week prompted some self-reflection regarding certain insecurities that are a source of a long-standing internal battle. This is going to sound odd, but I struggle with being a nice guy. I understand that may seem strange, but allow me to explain further in detail.
If I may make the assumption, I am quite confident that my family, friends, and associates would describe me as a nice guy. And in many instances, that designation would be a compliment. I consider myself respectful, pleasant, courteous, and kind. These should be considered noble traits. However, being classified as a nice guy also has a negative connotation. In addition to the aforementioned characteristics, I can also be described as a guy that is soft-spoken, quiet, and non-confrontational. All things combined, well, now the moniker of being a nice guy takes a turn for the worse. When some individuals have referred to me as a “nice guy”, I am intelligent enough to decipher the context. Weak. Passive. Soft. When I became a supervisor, there wasn’t a question of knowledge or work ethic, but some individuals questioned whether I possessed people management skills necessary to lead a team. After all, I was a nice guy, and nice guys are pushovers.
The prevailing and misguided philosophy regarding management is one has to lead with bluster, aggression, and micromanagement. Colleagues disdain those types of leaders, yet subconsciously, people tend to believe those traits get the job done – for better or for worse. This typifies toxic leadership, so it is usually worse. Now, those adjectives don’t describe my personality, as I am a laid-back and easy-going individual. Now what occurred recently (centered around a work issue) was a subtle implication that my nice personality prevented me from making hard decisions, especially when friends within the department are involved. Admittedly, this tapped into my insecurity of being perceived as the “nice guy”. In other words: passive, soft, hesitant, and weak. I am fully aware of the perceptions, and I would not be truthful if I were to say the perceptions didn’t irritate me and cause some second-guessing of my work skills.
However, you might find it interesting to know that perception does not necessarily align with reality. The reality is that amongst management, I am one of few with the most corrective actions, and unfortunately, I have had to separate a colleague from the company. This belies the perception of being a pushover, as theoretically I should not be able to address difficult colleagues or situations. Trust me as I tell you that my initial years being a supervisor were wrought with challenges that I never envisioned – it was insanity. Nevertheless, I was able to navigate the most problematic circumstances and colleagues, yet the perception of being a nice guy remained unchanged. How?
The label bothers me, regardless of the facts, and I even contemplate adopting a harder edge from time to time. I eventually regain my senses and dispel the silly idea. I cannot betray my character and integrity. And I suppose that it is a testimony to my leadership style that I have been able to deliver some unsavory actions, yet my name and reputation remain unsullied. I’ll probably continue to struggle with the nice guy moniker, going back and forth within myself in search of an imaginary solution. Nevertheless, if you find yourself in the same boat as me, here are a few tips to help you navigate rough waters and stay true to yourself.
5 Effective Leadership Approaches For a Nice Guy
- A leader should never demean, disparage, or defame fellow colleagues. Good morale in the work environment is essential to the overall health and productivity of a business. If a leader is contributing to poor morale and a toxic work environment; that is definitely an issue. I ensure that treat every colleague with decency and dignity – even when delivering hard truths regarding work performance or behavior.
- A leader must ensure that his or her management style is guided by company policies and regulations. I am confident in my decision-making because it is supported by company protocol. I make sure I am familiar with pertinent documentation offered up by human resources, and I seek clarity when it is necessary. Any accusations of shenanigans on my behalf will be hard to prove because I adhere strictly to company guidelines. Yes, I’m a square. But I don’t play favorites, as I am fair and just across the board.
- A leader must be transparent. I will never ambush a colleague. If there are foreseeable issues on the horizon, I try my best to speak with a colleague to avoid any corrective actions. Confrontation makes me uneasy, so I attempt to avoid it. I am always honest with colleagues. I do not tell them what they want to hear. I tell them what they need to hear – no matter how uncomfortable the conversation.
- Leaders must demonstrate follow through on their word. Declarations of punitive measures without the proper consequences are meaningless. No one will ever take you seriously because colleagues will conclude that you never enforce warnings. Trust, I still get butterflies in my stomach, but I cast away whatever emotional responses I have toward the situation, and address the issue (not the person) directly per company policy. Before a serious conversation, it is not unlike me to script out talking points the day before so I can stick to the subject and never stray off the designated topic. I maintain an even, measured tone and I keep the conversation streamlined to the subject at hand.
- A leader must be willing to help their fellow colleagues. I am a strong believer in the growth and development of their careers. It is not unusual for me to undertake the task of performing a corrective action, yet later assist that same colleague with a resume or interview preparation. I believe everyone should be treated justly and fairly regardless of previous work indiscretions.
The Polished Professional – Just Answer the Damn Question
Without question, interviewing for a new position can be a source of tremendous stress and anxiety. And it is this stress and anxiety that can cloud one’s thoughts, disrupt critical thinking, and impair the ability to communicate coherently. I have conducted or participated in a ridiculous amount of interviews during the past 5 years, and without question, not answering an interview question ranks very high amongst possible interview missteps. For clarification, I am not referring to a candidate simply refusing to answer an interviewer’s query. I am referring to a candidate missing the mark and not understanding what is being asked so a proper response can be formulated. It occurs all the time – trust me. If I am really trying to obtain information required to make a fair assessment, I will ask follow-up questions to unearth some nugget of valuable content. And again, sometimes, the candidate swings and misses for a second time. If you are reading this, and nerves get the better of you in interviews, or you simply need a little more polish – keep reading below for some helpful guidance.
- Relax. Really – relax. Easier said than executed right? I would advise performing a calming exercise an hour or so before you actually sit down for the interview. When I am nervous, I tend to breathe faster and my heart rate quickens. Sometimes my stomach feels queasy. Most people don’t know this, but I am self-conscious regarding how I sound when I speak. Yet I’ve been in situations that required me to talk. And if I talked how I felt, my words would stumble and trip over each other. So, I intentionally have to slow my thoughts and rate in which I speak down. Pace your thinking. Pace your response. It is hard work. In a weird way, you have to unconsciously separate yourself from other individuals in the room and proceed as if you are having a relaxed, comfortable conversation with someone you feel the most ease with – yourself.
- Now, for the first point to be performed flawlessly, one must be prepared. I suggest practicing with someone that you find comfort and will be able to offer constructive feedback. It would also help to educate yourself about the company and position that you are seeking employment. Misstep #1: Blindly applying for a position because you are desperately trying to escape a current work predicament. Never walk into an interview clueless. It can be viewed as insulting, as you are wasting valuable time that could have been afforded someone else.
- A gentleman should never be afraid to bring a writing utensil and paper to an interview. You should ensure that you note key points of important questions for thoughtful analysis and response. Your interview should have enough allotted time for the interview itself and questions you may have for the interviewer. So don’t feel pressured to rush. Generally, interviews that I have participated in have been at least an hour, but candidates fly through and are done at the 25 minute mark. Misstep #2: Don’t leave that much time on the table! Use that time to think about what is being asked so you can give the best answer possible.
- You should definitely engage in active listening to comprehend what is being asked of you. Misstep #3: Answering a question before the interviewer has even completed the sentence. Misstep #4: Talking over the interviewer while he or she is talking.
- If the question is not clear, ask that the question be repeated or rephrased. Ask for clarity. Don’t be ashamed to ask for a better understanding of what is being asked.
- If a gentleman struggles with a particular question(s), it would be wise to request a temporary postponement of a response and then circle back to the inquiry after you have (hopefully) collected your thoughts.
- If you honestly cannot answer a question, well, respond honestly. You should never mislead your potential employee by dancing around the question with superfluous chatter laden with fancy words. A good interviewer will be able to see through your nonsense. And if you happen upon a really good interviewer, expect follow-up questions that will flummox and rattle you. And if you draw a really, really good interviewer; expect follow-up questions to an answer you provided 5 questions ago. We want to see if your story demonstrates consistency. Therefore, don’t feed BS to the interviewer – we’ll know.
Have you ever interviewed or hired someone? Chime in. We want to hear from you.
Don’t Push Me, Cause I’m Close to the Edge – Maintaining Sanity in a World of Insane Stress
I cannot accurately recite how many times she beckoned for my attention, but the urgency of her tone revealed that it had been more than a few times over. As my mother-in-law called my name, I sat blankly staring out of a window, quietly lost in a turmoil of thought – muted to my surroundings. Suddenly, I was fully present again. I cannot accurately identify the specific catalyst that triggered my temporary, unresponsive state. However, if I dedicate enough thought to the matter, it most likely was a perfect culmination of stress related to marriage, fatherhood, health, and work. Responsibility. Obligation. Accountability. In other words, the daily strain of life.
And absent personal time for proper reflection and meditation, the mind sporadically pivots from one stressor to next, until you slowly begin to detach from your immediate environment – thus perhaps explaining my stupor at the time. My focus was scattered. A multitude of issues converging within my mind simultaneously. The stress would also manifest itself in other aspects of life. Sometimes, I could not derive happiness from events that would normally bring joy. My interpersonal skills would sometimes suffer with people close to me, as I would disconnect and shut individuals out. My drive and energy were nonexistent. While I am certainly not a therapist, I have formulated some thoughts and strategies to combat my stress. I detail a few points below. Nothing is a perfect solution, but it makes stress more manageable.
Stress Relief for the Gentleman
- Recognize, perhaps, there is an issue. I’m just stating if you are feeling out of sorts and stress is becoming overwhelming, it is time to enact measures to address the current adversities burdening your spirit. Don’t ignore what is troubling your mind and spirit.
- Recruit wise counsel, because sometimes having a good sounding board is the perfect tool to help deflect negative energy and guide you in a positive direction. A trusted friend, companion, or trained professionals are excellent options.
- Ground yourself in a positive space. Existing in a constant flux of irritation, anxiety, anger, and sadness is corrosive to your mental, physical, and emotional health. Your frame of mind should align with the well-known Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Perform an activity that is therapeutic. Personally, writing this entry is that therapy for me, as finding fellowship with other gentlemen experiencing the same struggle is calming and reassuring to me. For other individuals, it could an athletic activity. It could be immersing yourself in your favorite arts & crafts, music, photography, gardening, etc. The selected exercise(s) that can soothe and ease your spirit – do it!
- Laugh. No really – laugh. Laughter stimulates the release of endorphins – hormones released within the body that grants a sense of euphoria. There’s nothing like a classic episode of Sanford & Son or Martin to get those endorphins flowing.
- Beware of vices that only serve to satiate your carnal spirit. Embarking down this rabbit hole of excess can be self-destructive, and while temporarily pleasing, it is ineffective addressing the underlying source of your stress and the management thereof.
- Get adequate sleep. Don’t deprive yourself of much-needed rest.
- A gentleman can employ some small, simple tools that bring a touch of happiness or calm. There isn’t a morning or night that I fail to look at pictures of my children on my cell phone. Sometimes I just sit in darkness and listen to the sound of thunderstorms on my Google mini (it reminds me of sitting on the porch with my late grandmother during rainstorms). I like pops of color and pleasant scents, therefore, I revamped my whole workspace (pictured above) with flowers, colored notepads, and potpourri. Where do you extract small measures of joy?
The Standard #49
The professional gentleman understands that success within the workplace is owed not only to an impeccable work ethic, but also to an even-keeled temperament that marries well with fellow colleagues. A colleague that contributes nothing more than a negative disposition and unpleasant attitude can corrupt the morale and atmosphere within the workplace. Now, if you count yourself among the working class community, you understand that a sizable portion of your day is shared with your coworkers, most likely comparable to time shared with your family. Therefore, it would be in the best interest of everyone to make the work environment friendly and collaborative. Trust, no one wants to share close quarters and interact with a malcontent throughout the weekday.
Negative energy is an exhaustive drain on the team, and productivity can be impacted due to time exhausted dealing with said negative energy. The professional gentleman understands that his communication requires active listening, disagreements are treated with civility, and criticism is not offered absent constructive alternatives or meaningful feedback. Employing these methods can surely help foster a positive work environment that leads to better attitudes, willful collaboration, and substantive ideas. You will definitely be the colleague that coworkers enjoy working with and management wants to promote.
The Gentlemen's Standard 