It is certainly a curious time in history as we navigate the ever-changing world of social media. To be sure, the inventors of the Internet could not have imagined the massive amount of misinformation that can spread almost instantaneously across the world. Indeed, some of the information disseminated can be harmful and sketchy, but some content leans into the comedic and unserious side of the World Wide Web. The latest trending tomfoolery touted as truth arrives in the form of an elder statesman and the playful application of his cologne. His over-the-top theatrics have deluged my social media timeline for the greater part of the past week. So, what is it that has spawned thousands of followers, social media challenges, and satirical spinoffs?

Effortlessly employing a saucy, seductive sleight of hand, he dispenses a mist of cologne before swiftly snatching the molecules out of midair and applying the scented notes to his manly beard. Alas, this was merely a form of frolicsome foreplay before he passionately, provocatively pelvic pumps either the air or the nearest furniture in the area whilst referring to his “big” engine. Honestly, it is quite entertaining and hilarious. However, I have to be that guy and pour a little cold water on this steamy, scented ritual. Unfortunately, many individuals will believe that applying cologne to their beard is the new preferred method. Now, I am not going to write a lengthy opposition piece here; rather, I will just present some honest facts.

Cologne is generally 70-90% alcohol. That being said, knockoff colognes tend to use higher concentrations of alcohol and synthetics than some reputable brands. The skin on your face is delicate; some faces are more sensitive than others. Therefore, it would be wise not to apply cologne to your beard and face. There is a risk of irritating and drying out your skin. Your beard may become dry and scraggly. Seriously, who wants a dry, brittle beard that looks like hay on the face? As a gentleman nearing 50 years of age, and probably rocking a beard for 30 years, I have never seen a recommendation for cologne being rubbed into one’s beard.

Again, the short videos are funny. However, can we please recognize and acknowledge beard care basics? Drink plenty of water and stay hydrated. Maintain beard health with a dedicated beard wash, conditioner, balm, and oil. Comb and brush your beard to detangle hair and stimulate growth. Besides, no way am I spraying my good cologne in the air to “snatch” it and then dry hump the air for an Internet flex. I’m too old for all that jazz.