True story: So, after a strenuous morning of doing battle with some heavy dumbbells, I am retrieving my belongings in the gentleman’s locker room when another gentleman enters and discreetly disappears around a corner. Now, what followed next was not so discreet. Bellowing around the corner, I was audibly assaulted by loud moans and groans emanating from the urinal area. Seriously dude – what the hell? I could not discern whether he was emptying his bladder or performing a four-finger shuffle with his manhood. Now, it is utterly ridiculous that I have to write an entry like this, but it would appear that some gentlemen require the proper instruction regarding urinal etiquette. Here are five edicts that every gentleman should commit to memory before stepping foot in a public restroom.

• Sure, that Pepsi has been resting in your bladder for the duration of that 2 hour meeting, but that is no excuse to get all X-rated at the urinal with moans of eye-fluttering ecstasy. Relieve yourself as quietly as possible.

• And speaking of quiet, you can wait to discuss why that 2 hour meeting was pointless to begin with in the first place. But, if you feel the burning need ( no, hopefully not that burning need ) to discuss your supervisor’s leadership, or lack thereof, please do so in brief.

• Now, if you have made the decision to partake in some urinal chit-chat, remember that if your head swivels to the left or right, the other one below the belt should remain fixed in one direction: straight ahead. Because, when stepping up to plate, no gentleman likes to step in puddles of pee, or the dried, sticky variety for that matter – it’s urinal area, not a fly trap. Bonus edict: Flatulence can be a pain, but releasing a sonic boom around your fellow gents is crass, and it just makes your urinal mate feel uncomfortable.

• The following is a personal plea: drink more water gentlemen! Forgive me, I’m not trying to get all up in your personal business, I’m just tired of being greeted by the aroma of ammonia and stale syrup when I enter a public restroom. Bonus edict: Flush the toilet my friend. Looking into a bowl with what appears to be Samuel Adams pooled in the bottom is just unsightly.

• Lastly, wash your damn hands! Pardon the language, but that is just nasty. No one wants to shake your filthy paws. Note: Washing one’s hands is not constituted by a quick splash of water on the mittens, followed by a hasty shake to dry them off. I’m going to need you to use some soap and water while humming the alphabet song in your head – you need to make it to at least the letter O.