Approximately two years ago, my children participated in a summer tennis program. Now, my young son is a natural athlete, and he excels tremendously in sports. He did not really care for tennis (he eventually fell in love with basketball), but his innate athleticism allowed him to perform at a high level for his age group. Actually, my son even performed much better than kids older than him. However, one particular Saturday morning, my son was in a serious funk. He was not performing at a standard that I had become accustomed to. With each uninspired misstep or blown swing, he would nervously peer over his shoulder in my direction with a slightly frightened, clearly frustrated expression on his face.

After the session was over, the coach keenly sensed annoyance and disappointment in my demeanor. My stance was that if we were going to be up and outside on an early Saturday morning, maximum effort was expected. And then the coach shared some profound wisdom that was ridiculously apparent, yet enlightening, because my brain was turned off to a simple fact. Children are no more than tiny versions of adults. They are subject to anger, irritability, fear, sadness, resentment, and a whole host of negative emotions that their still-developing brains struggle to process.

Unsurprisingly, they have not learned to recognize and manage their emotional intelligence. Honestly, some adults have failed to do so as well. So, I needed to take a much-needed step back; I had to realize that my son was simply having a bad day. Thus, a child experiencing a bad day may present as defiance, disrespect, rebellion, and angst. That brings me to the subject matter of today’s content, and will also explain the cute little frog pictured above.

A few weeks ago, my daughter was on the struggle bus. She is older than my son, as she is fast approaching those teenage years. Now, a teenage girl’s stages of maturation are different from those of a boy. At least that is my perception, given I grew up in a household with two younger brothers. There was a lot of testosterone in the household, except for my mother. Therefore, this territory is quite foreign to me. To be sure, puberty has clearly unleashed an avalanche of hormones and emotions that I am sure she is struggling to comprehend.

Cue the rolling of the eyes, heavy sighs, quiet lip-smacking, and seemingly endless backtalk. Granted, for one reason or another, I don’t have to deal with this pre-teenage attitude directly. That is reserved for other occupants in my household. Nevertheless, I am tasked with navigating this treacherous minefield and adroitly disarming as many potential explosive situations as I can. Sometimes, I am successful. Sometimes, not so much.

Nevertheless, it is important to recognize that your children are trying to navigate this confusing, maddening world just as much as you. So, during this particularly turbulent episode, I picked up this stuffed creature from Target. It is a comfort tool that a child can hold when feeling anxious, frustrated, or stressed. It has a nice message sewn on the front as well. There was an array of creatures that were for sale, but this little frog seemed right for the moment. If you are a father in the struggle, here are a few lessons that I have learned during this headache-inducing journey.

• First, one must understand and recognize the science behind puberty. Hormones gone wild can certainly cause civil unrest within one’s household. A rapidly changing body, peer pressure at school, extensive schoolwork, and seemingly out-of-touch parents surely do not make life easy for them. When I engage my children in conversation, I like to humanize myself. Yes, I am a parent, but I too was once a child. Hard to believe, right? So, in the best way I can, I try to share relatable stories that resonate. I mean, who hasn’t been teased at school or had a teacher wear on their nerves? My hope is that some of my wisdom actually sticks with them.
• As a parent, you must establish yourself as the authority figure EARLY with boundaries that are known and respected. Having said that, it is important to offer a safe space for your child to express their feelings and thoughts.
• Let me be very clear: I am not above raising my voice and fussing at my children. Given that I am a mild-tempered, soft-spoken person, raising my voice has proven to be more effective because it does not occur often. Sometimes, I have even caught my wife off-guard and startled her when I turn up the volume. Nevertheless, a father cannot yell all the time. I don’t get it right all the time. However, as crazy as it may sound, chastising my children with a stern whisper is more effective – just ensure those whispers include clear expectations and consequences. Besides, yelling all the time only raises your blood pressure and induces more stress. So, this bullet point ties in with the previous bullet point. Sometimes you need to fall back and just listen.
• Even when I am fussing, in the end, I am sure to circle back to the kids and have a conversation with them. I won’t fuss just to fuss – there has to be meaning and value. I offer encouragement. I try to inspire them. I try to motivate them. I try to lead by example. Sometimes a kid just needs a little pick-me-up, and we must provide all the support they need.